So.. We had a baby..

When I read my last blog post, I see that I apologized for being MIA for 3 months. Not sure what to say after being MIA for 3 years?

I have an excellent excuse. :) For the last 15 months or so, I've been trying to keep up with my daughter, Millie. My little firecracker. Seriously, motherhood has been amazing and I love being able to watch her grow everyday since I stay home with her. I've had jobs before but nothing makes me happier or fills me with more pride than getting to raise her. It's like I've finally figured out why I'm here and it has nothing to do with my business degree!  Although, I'm sure I'll put that degree to use again in a few years.

In saying all that, it brings me to the main subject of this post.. extending my motherhood role. Before you get all excited, thinking "Yay! You're pregnant again!"  No.  No, I'm not. I would love to be, but it's currently not in the cards at this point in time.  I've actually miscarried twice in the last 5 months and each time was harder than the last. I thought I had hit rock bottom in August, but Jan 2nd taught me otherwise.

We went in for our 1st ultrasound at 8 weeks, to find our little peanut without a heartbeat and only measuring 6 weeks. I knew when the tech was being so quiet, searching around my womb that it was my worst fear. Craig was holding Millie, trying to keep her calm because she was a little nervous with me on the table and it being so dark. I finally asked, "it's not good, is it.."  The tech said no and started pointing things out which I already saw.  Fast forward about 10 minutes, we were sent to another room to wait on the doctor, which we hadn't planned on seeing that day.

The doctor went over the technical stuff to make sure my dates were right, etc and then went into my options. Normally I love having options, but this boiled down to "which way do you want to remove what's left of the life inside you?"  Granted, there was no heartbeat but it didn't change my thinking of it being my child in there. The child I'll never get to hold. Yes, I hope to get pregnant again and hold THAT child, but THIS child that was due in August will not be held by its parents who already loved him/her.

Complete devastation took over as I tried to discuss this with my doctor.  I wasn't comfortable having a procedure done to remove the pregnancy based on 1 ultrasound so the doctor lined up another ultrasound before the scheduled procedure.  I didn't want to be left wondering, "What if the baby was just slow developing but really was developing?"  And then I began to worry that I would be torn if there did appear to be growth, but not much. Would I go ahead with the procedure or continue to torture myself, while clinging to hope that things would be okay week by week?

As I waited for the days to go by before the ultrasound, I just prayed for peace and for a clear mind to make the right decision if things seemed to be on the fence.  In the meantime, I grieved for the child I had likely already lost. The one that was just sitting there inside me, that my body hadn't recognized as not being viable any longer.  I felt broken in so many ways and as I wondered if I would get to experience a healthy pregnancy again, and if Millie will get to be a big sister.

We got the ultrasound and there was no progress.  Things were the same and they did me pre-op for the following day's procedure.  Mom came up and kept Millie while we went to the doctor.  It was very quick and I was put under anesthesia for it.  I remember them bringing me out of the anesthesia and not wanting to be brought out.  I remember feeling almost disappointed that I had to face it all again.  Regardless, I snapped out of it somewhat and we returned home to Millie and my mom.  I rested most of the day and mom left that night.

A couple weeks later, we took a vacation to Jamaica and it was exactly what we needed, although I admit that I missed Millie terribly.  I cried quite uncontrollably when we left her and I found myself down quite a few times over the week.  It's such a change going on vacation after you've been a SAHM mom for over a year and all you've known is waking up to her each day and literally every day revolves around her and her schedule.  It was nice to just be free to do what we wanted, but my missing her was palpable.  Not only that but I was still dealing with the miscarriage and I had trouble talking to Craig about it.  There's really just no "good" way to get through something like this.  The best you hope for is that you DO get through it somehow.

Long story made short, we are still optimistic about having another baby but now we are in the process of selling our home in Fuquay and building a new house in Wake Forest.  It's good to stay busy and to keep our minds occupied.  I just try to have faith that it will happen if and when it's supposed to.  Until then, I will just keep loving Millie and Craig since they are here now, and truthfully, some people don't get to even get married or have even 1 child of their own.  I will try to worry about what I don't have yet, later...

Whew - finally married!

I feel like I should apologize for not keeping up with my blog, because I really had some awesome stories to tell leading up to the wedding.  Buuuuut then I realize that my 6 followers would tell me not to worry about apologizing.  And 6 isn't sarcasm… for a change. :)

So obviously, the wedding went well!  There were a few sna-foos, but people warned me ahead of time that things would go wrong.. and sure enough, they did!  But, I kept pretty calm.. surprisingly.  I made it a goal to not be like those psychos that you see on TV that scream and cry when things go wrong.  I still cried, but not because things went wrong.  But mostly because of what went right.  Which is always refreshing. 

I held it together until about the last hour before the ceremony.  I started to wonder if something was wrong with me because I hadn't broke down in tears yet, and usually that's what stress does to me.  I had a moment at the rehearsal dinner… Craig and I had broke away from the crowd to walk inside the club house where the food was, and on the way (it was kind of dark and quiet), I had a hard time fighting back tears.  Nothing was wrong.. I just got really emotional for some reason.  I'm sure a major reason was because my Maid of Honor, Brookes coordinated the making of this big scrapbook for me and had just given it to me!  Seriously - one of the best gifts I've ever received.  My family (women-folk from my immediate family and Craig's) and bridesmaids each did a page, and it was so thoughtful.  I know that contributed to the sudden emotion.  As soon as I looked over the last page, Craig's mom said the blessing for the food, and of course she also included ridiculously nice things about our marriage coming up the next day, and my throat tightened up really quickly.  And then that's when we walked into the clubhouse.  So… during that moment, I wasn't sure if I was about to straight up bawl, or if I could fight it back… I won that little battle. :)  Round 1 anyway.

Fast forward through the next day, and I did pretty well.  As soon as we got to the salon, my step-mom went and asked my mom how she was doing, and my mom suddenly burst out into tears and said… "I think I'm about to cry!"  Mom walked away… I teared up and fought it back.  I should've known this would bite me later.  But.. I did win Round 2.  Booyah.

We got to the venue, and things got a little chaotic.  We had to set up for the reception pretty quickly and it was a mad rush.  Everything finally sorta got done and we were able to start the process for getting my dress on.  Got that on, no problems.  Then one of my bridesmaids tells me some people are here (it was like 3:30 and the ceremony started at 5, so I was wondering which of the family was there.)

I looked out the window to see my 2 oldest brothers, and all 3 of their boys with them.  I wasn't sure if they all would be able to make it, but sure enough, they did!  THAT was when I lost it.  I backed away from the window, made all sorts of terrible faces trying to fight back more tears, and finally went off to the bathroom to have that hyperventilate-kind-of-cry.  Of course they followed me in there, asking what was wrong, and in between breaths, I told them that I was just happy… my family was all there and that it was happy tears!  My mom was just like "Ok, that's good but don't mess up your makeup."  The woman had a point.

So I got it under control, and we progressed through the next hour leading up to the ceremony, and the coordinator finally came and got us - it was game time!!  All the girls left, and it was just me and my dad waiting until they called us.  The silence completely overwhelmed me… I had that heavy-breathing-snotty cry start up again, and I was wondering if I was going to be able to calm back down.  I think my dad was in shock… he had no idea what to say!  Haha - poor dad.  He did a good job.. he reminded me that I had gum in my mouth and I told him that I didn't care and that it relaxed me.  I was finally using my bride power!  Then we joked that I could just hock it out when I reached the alter.  I was really going for that wow factor, ya know?

Anyways - fast forward a couple minutes, and I reach the door leading out to the alter and it's opened.  Craig is cheesing at me and I'm smiling back!  No tears!  (In my head, I'm thinking "Yay, I can focus on walking now!")  That's when I reach the next set of stairs where everyone else can see me, and THEN I lost it and tears began to flow.  All the pictures I've seen of me coming down the aisle are of me looking down, fighting back tears.. and the pictures don't capture it but my bottom lip was shaking like crazy!  I really hate that I couldn't smile the rest of the way… the pictures look kind of depressing honestly.  Oh well!

Anyway - that was the last of the tears pretty much… I made the mistake of looking over at my brothers once after I reached the alter.  That was stupid.  I had to regroup and then I was good.… it was smooth sailing the rest of the night.  Everyone so far has said they had a great time, and we really hope they did.  We worked very hard to get things just right, and even though we didn't quite perfect everything… the flaws worked out perfectly.  If that makes any sense at all.

Now - no more asking me when we're going to have babies!  Mama is already penciling me in for 6 kids… I can't take all the pressure!  And we're definitely not having 6.. sorry mama!! 

Life 101

I'm 27 years old and sometimes it feels like I'm just now learning what life is all about.  And I know I still have a lot left to learn which is why I constantly feel like I barely know anything now (hence 101).  Sometimes it's the smaller lessons in life that can teach you the most.

1.  There will always be people that aren't satisfied with who you are.  No matter how hard you try, what is satisfactory to one person, will always dissatisfy another.  Boy, girl, friend, family - it doesn't matter.  There will always be one person who thinks you're not doing something right or haven't done something right in the past, which somehow is never let go.  No need in exhausting yourself to fix it.  (Kinda depressing, huh?)

2.  To combat lesson #1, you will always have people in your life that don't care what mistakes you've made or what you've overlooked - they will always love you no matter what.  Boy, girl, friend, family - it also doesn't matter.  They're there and will always be there.  Those people are the ones that when you do make a mistake, they give you the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't intentional instead of assuming the worst.  KEEP THESE PEOPLE CLOSE.  They are probably the most important thing you can ever have, and give you reason to smile every day.

3.  Never assume Craig doesn't take time to reflect.  It made me smile when I get in his car today to find that he's been playing a CD that I made for him nearly 5 years ago when I was trying to make him see what I saw in our tiny little relationship - even back then.  And I think it's clear vindication that he secretly likes my taste in music! :)

4.  Even though everything concerning a wedding is typically abbreviated (i.e. BM = bridesmaids, FIL = father-in-law, etc) - it never flows to abbreviate your Save the Date cards in the same manner.  However, it would be the only time in my life I can really say that I gave so many people STDs.

5.  Pay attention to detail.  From now on, I will pay much closer attention at weddings to notice the smaller details that the bride probably took so much time to decide on.  Those tiny ribbons didn't tie themselves, people!

There's probably more I could preach on, but I'm tired and I'm still planning a wedding.  I hope to be way more witty by November.  I think Craig is banking on it.

I need a button...

… a fast-forward button preferably.  I've been blurting out on facebook about how I cannot WAIT to wake up and it be October 7th, because I am so tired of having dreams with maddening things happening at our wedding.  The good thing is that I'm pretty sure I get married in all of these dreams (when I make it that far), but it's really stressful waking up after being late to your wedding, with your hair in a ponytail and zero makeup on.  I know, I know - things will go wrong, & in retrospect, it won't matter.  I get that, but the suspense of it all is more stressful than the wedding planning itself!

Honestly, the planning has been easy - I think the anxiety over pleasing everyone there is killing me.  I don't think that's abnormal though.  We're talking about all of our closest family and friends, so me wanting to be sure they have a good time as Craig and I celebrate our marriage shouldn't be that far-fetched to anyone.  To me, the biggest thing to think about with this wedding is Craig and I getting married obviously.  It's the whole reason we're doing this.  But hearing that this day is "all about me" I don't think will ever resonate with me.  Yes, I'm the bride and in many ways, the day is tailored around my likes and my vision of things I've been thinking about since I was little.  But in my eyes as an adult, it's about making the night memorable to everyone that matters to us after Craig and I become husband and wife.  What's so crazy about that?

I've noticed that you go through many stages of emotion as an engaged woman.  I have at least.  The first emotion I experienced was complete and utter excitement with borderline disbelief that I actually get to act on marrying Craig.  No more thoughts about "If he knew I had our wedding colors picked out and we're not even engaged, he would freak."  I got to say those things outloud and not feel psycho!  It was quite liberating.

But after the initial excitement came the hardcore reality about planning - it came with tough decisions like... who is in the wedding, how many people can we afford to have, how do we decide who we invite without hurting feels or breaking the bank, etc.  That's the ugly side of planning.  It still pops it's head up every now and then, but you can't beat yourself up over things like that or else it makes the experience somewhat unenjoyable.

My mind has even gone to paranoia about wondering if those who were/are participating in the wedding actually want to be in it, or if they were just afraid to tell me no?  That's a sucky feeling, but I admit that I have had it.  Not everyone loves weddings or loves the things that go along with being in a wedding, but you just hope that they enjoy it enough to not dread it.  I'm such a girl.

Anyway - I'm settling into the final phase of planning.  I have my first bridal shower this weekend and I am very excited!  We only have one session left with the preacher, so it's becoming more and more real as we approach the 2 month countdown.  All of the major things are nailed down and I'm not freaking out over details, which is good. Apparently, I save that for my dreams. :)  So now, I'm just longing for the moment when I'm standing there with my dad and that door opens and I see Craig standing down at the arbor [hopefully] beaming back at me.  In my quiet times when I think about that moment, it always brings a tear and a smile.  Talk about bittersweet reactions.. where are you, October??

Too much?

The other day, I was driving to Craig's house and I swear to you, I passed a ~12 year old boy on a riding lawn mower, wearing a helmet.  A HELMET.  At first, I didn't really think much of it but as I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him circling around, I started to really process the fact that there was a 95% chance that his parents insisted he wear a helmet while mowing the yard.  So, I deduce 1 of 2 things based on that observation…

1)  He has REALLY protective parents.
or
2)  His dad is Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and has tweaked the motor in that mower.

Then I started to wonder if his friends ever see him out there because this was on the corner of a neighborhood off HillTop Needmore (in Fuquay Varina), which isn't the most private of roads.  Poor kid.  I feel like the only thing that could really top this is opening up a minivan door to reveal a kid wearing a helmet with football pads.  And not because he was going to a football game.

Confession:  I laughed outloud a little when I saw him.  And I may or may not have been alone in my car.

Humbled

This past weekend, I got to make my way over to my brother Jeremy's house in North Raleigh.  I try to do this AT LEAST every 2 weeks, if not more.  I try to take advantage of the fact that I live in the same town as them and also that I get the opportunity to watch my niece and nephew grow up.

Anyway, so I went over there on Sunday afternoon to find my brother out in the driveway putting together a mini-trampoline set.  I came to discover that the manufacturers basically force all trampolines to have a net around it so that the kids don't jump off or fall off.  Oh, the luxuries that we didn't have growing up.  Honestly, you haven't lived until your siblings send you 25 feet up into the air only to land OFF the trampoline.  I've only heard stories about me being little and being a little bit of a crybaby at that, but I can about guarantee that I cried for a minimum of 2 hours when that happened.  And I'm pretty sure it happened more than once… although my memory escapes me.  Wonder why?  Maybe the net is a stellar idea afterall.  Ok, focus..

So I stroll up to find him putting this thing together, and of course my 3 year old niece Kirsten is sitting in her little pink princess chair just watching Jeremy put it together piece by piece.  It was odd because normally this child never sits still.. but anyway, it was an observation.  And then I look to my right to find my 4 (almost 5) year old nephew Brayden stooped down next to some bricks… out in the open pretty much.  Which leads to:

H: "Bray, what are you doing?"
B: "Hiding from you."
H: "Um.  We need to work on that."

Fast forward about 20 minutes and finally Jeremy's masterpiece is complete and the kids begin to get SO excited because they're so close to getting to try it out!  There's a weight limit on this thing because it's just for kids (wah, wah, wah) and it says no more than 100 lbs should be on it.  Brayden says to me "Man, I wish you could get on it with us."  I say "I know, but you heard your daddy… I'm too big to get on there, remember?"

Brayden: "Yeah… and too fat."

Don't Judge Me

So… this past week, I had a "first time" experience.  As I get older, I've found that those don't happen too often in everyday life anymore unfortunately.  But in true "Haley-form", it didn't come without humor.

I work in Raleigh, around the Poole Rd/New Bern Ave exits off the beltline so my lunch choices obviously don't deviate much from this area.  Well in the last couple of months, a Popeye's opened up and to my knowledge, this is the first one of these in the Raleigh area.  I think.  Anyway, it was new to me.  But every time I ride by it, this place is RIDICULOUSLY packed.  I mean "standing-room-only & cars-wrapped-around-the-building" kind of packed.  Finally after enough times of driving by it and either being in too big of a hurry to wait, or being too lazy to wait, I decided to brave Popeye's.  I think what drew me to it originally is that the name of the place is actually Popeye's "Louisiana Kitchen" and I like spicy food, so I figured it must be good.

Well, as usual, the cars were wrapped around the building, but the inside didn't look quite as packed as it normally did.  So I just decided to go inside.  I walk inside and let me tell you this - I was the only white girl person in the place.  It caught me so off guard that I nearly walked right back out because it was one of those things where I actually thought "Ummm am I allowed in here?"…  buuuuut I wasn't sure if that would be completely obvious so I attempted to pretend like I didn't notice.  So I go up to the counter and wait in line for a little bit - I didn't have a clue what to order.  On top of that, I know I had a "What the hell" face when I saw catfish on the menu.  What??  Catfish?  So I did what every person does when they're scared to try something new and ordered chicken fingers with fries.  BUT, I did try their spicy honey mustard and it was actually really good (I love me some dipping sauces)!  The fries were awesome too… the chicken was okay.  It wasn't bad, but I prefer Bojangles.  What can I say… I'm bojos for life!  (As evidence in some of my engagement pictures taken by Big Star Studios [shameless plug :)]…)

Back to my story… The first thing I did when I was able to was message one of my super awesome friends, Larry (who happens to be black and is totally cool and understanding when I have to ask naive questions, because he's always honest and respectful with his answer… HOLLA!)  Anyway - so I message him and here was our actual dialogue:

me: looking for honestly here...

  what the heck is the deal with popeyes?

  that place is always so packed

  i walked in there and i was the only white person

  what the heck

 Larry: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 ummm it's chicken - what did you think?

  the only chicken joint that is likely to not be pro-black is prolly KFC

 andddd prolly the bojos by campus :-P

 that is HILARIOUS :-)

 me: geeeeez... i couldn't believe it!

  do they put something in it? i've never seen a fast food place that crazy!

 Larry: might be a little crack :-P

 me: haha

  i believe it!

 Larry: well you also gotta remember that there aren't that many popeyes around here!

  

 me: can't be straight chicken

 Larry: HAHAHAHAHA