Gullable

I'm trying to muffle my less than stellar mood with silly thoughts, in hopes of squashing the less than stellar mood. I probably should write about my less than stellar mood, but I probably will later once I get a grasp on it. You ever have those moods when you wonder why the things that tick you off, tick you off? Should I chalk it up to it "just being me"? Or is it something I can turn around to change my perspective where it doesn't tick me off as much?

Eh. Who knows. I'll ponder. Rambling...

Ok, so I'm gullable. Everybody that really knows me, knows that. I will usually try to say after being the victim yet again, "well, it didn't sound right, but I didn't really give it much thought." But, all people hear is that I didn't give it much thought. That's okay.. it usually ends up being humorous, but sometimes I worry myself.

So I was gullable yesterday. Twice. With the same person.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
—President George W. Bush

Sometimes, I feel like that. Except I get fooled again.

Incident #1
Craig and I went to his parents' house in Randleman, NC and had lunch w/ his family. We were sitting around the dinner table and for those of us that could see the TV, were glancing at the Vikings game here and there. Well, the viking mascot (for the non-football watchers, he was an actual man in Viking gear) was on the sidelines talking to a photographer, and then leans over and kisses her on the cheek. Now, they were filming this guy for a good 20 seconds. Random, right?

Me: The mascot just kissed that photographer!
Craig: Haley.. they're dating..
Me: Hmm.. weird.

Like I said, they were focused on the viking for a good 20 seconds. So, I'm thinking "Okay, Craig must've heard what they were talking about while they were filming (including the viking mascot's personal life) and I missed it." I'm an idiot. So I shrug it off, and continue on about my business. Well, a few seconds later... Craig just busts out laughing. Of course I'm puzzled and wondering if I have food or something all over my face, or Lord knows what else.. and he just keeps laughing til he's nearly in tears. It clicks. I quickly give him the evil eye before I punch him in the shoulder. The doofus lied to me.

Incident #2
Later on in the day, we're at my house, watching the CHARGERS!/cowboys game. Of course the Chargers are doing awesome and do something even more awesome (probably via Philip Rivers), and the camera crew pans to Jerry Jones in his posh little box. He angrily throws the pen he was holding and probably mutters some no-no word because he just realized how awesome the Chargers are.

Craig: That's his lucky pen.
Me: Really??
Craig: Yep.
Me: How do you know?.... are you lyi- YOU ARE! You lied to me again! Stop telling me that stuff because you know I'll go tell Joe Schmoe "Hey, did you see Jerry Jones throw his lucky pen in disgust because they still suck in December?" or something and look like a total idiot when they look at me like they just discovered that I may or may not be as dumb as a bag of hammers because I believed you!?

And then I laughed because he's already in tears from the laughter. It is funny. But it gets old being the gullable one. Hmph.

Second Chances

Week 1 with the new/old job and I can officially say that I definitely made the 2nd best decision I've made all year by going back to Horizon. BUT the very best decision I made of 2009 had to be (and I'm sure you're just bursting with anticipation).. giving Craig another chance. No one was more scared/nervous/apprehensive about that decision than I was because let's face it.. after you've tried having a relationship 2, 3, 4 times - it gets more disheartening with each attempt. After a significant break and some serious convincing for months, I finally gave in and gave him another shot. And I can honestly say that he's been the absolute best friend that I've had in a long time. Of course, there's my "bestie" Brookes, who is my best friend from childhood & she always will be that - they're not even in the same category actually. But Craig is the guy that I can count on anytime, any day. No matter where he is, who he's with.. he's always looking out for me, trying to find ways to fix whatever problem I'm having, or just trying to make me smile after a really long day. He was probably the world's best boyfriend when he saw how unhappy I was everyday after my previous job, and he finally just told me to quit and that he'd help me whatever way he had to, but to leave behind the place that was making me so unhappy. That's a good man. Of course, I didn't just drop the job like I wanted to because I'm not going to put him in that position to support me like that and I have responsibilities to take care of (aka bills). But just knowing that I could do that, and he'd still love me just the same, and was actually encouraging me to do so just to improve MY quality of life.. that was the day that I realized how lucky I was. And I still am. :)

Anyway, the job. Still going off on tangents, in case you're keeping tabs since my first blog entry. So back to the REAL subject: my new/old job - I freaking love it. I love the environment that I walk into every morning, I love what I do, and I love that it loves me back. It's so nice leaving work and feeling good about it, rather than running for the exit at 5pm everyday, hating that I'm thinking that I'm already 1 minute closer to when I have to be back in that place. Granted, I've barely got my feet wet (for the second time) where I am now, and I have some challenges ahead, but I'm actually excited about it. Weird! It's hard to believe that I held on for so long at my old job, hating it, thinking I couldn't be doing better somewhere else. Huge misconception and I'm so glad I took the leap back to Horizon. I'm sure I'll still have some days where it's hectic and crazy, and things go wrong.. but that's okay when you're happy doing what you do, and happy working for good people. Because everyday isn't going to be perfect, but in the right circumstances, it sure can come close.

And now I can attest that in both instances of careers and (.. dare I say it..) love, it can always be worse. But things can change if you really want them to - you just have to take some initiative. And people can change as well, but they have to want to. When someone makes changes to their life even though they've been told they just need to give up and that it won't help their chances, that means something. Don't hesitate to give people a second chance... it may change your life. Sometimes, you just need to go against all logic and let it.

Hind Sight

"You can tell the true character of someone by the way they treat a person who can do absolutely nothing for them.."

This quote prompted this post. I've had a fairly eventful week, with an unfortunate incident. One that unfortunately showed the true character of someone that I followed behind for nearly a year and a half, and up until that incident, had some respect for. Laziness is a terrible thing, as is the attitude that you're above certain things, despite whatever the task may be. Another unfortunate thing is treating a person a certain way, only because they stand to potentially gain something from that person. What a terrible way to be. But, if nothing else, this whole incident has taught me to take no one for granted, and to try to do more for others that not only may need it, but who appreciate it.

As I reflect back on the last few months, I've spent several looking back a little too often, pondering what I could have done different to change the outcome of some situations. But that's not important. What's important is to keep up with the people who are still there, despite what's happened along the way, and who can accept the fact that things just happen as a result of difference of opinion or that maybe... just maybe... they knew you had good intentions all along. The people that matter are the people that recognize the person that you are and that intentions were honorable. And I have plenty of those people in my life and I hope to not look back and wish I had done more, because this was the year that I attempted to really put effort in, in several areas of my life, only to be disappointed that it played out so differently in real life than in my mind.

But, on a more positive note, I feel like I have done more this year for those that appreciate it and deserve it. Maybe "deserve" isn't the best word here because we're talking about friendship.. and everyone deserves friendship. But grudges are for teenagers who don't realize the true value in a friend, and don't yet realize that friends are more than shopping buddies, or someone who wears the same kind of clothes as you, or shares all of your classes. Clearly, I'm not teenager because I'm 25 years old. But I do realize I have several friends that I know I could count on regardless, and of course - the same goes for them. I realize that having friends where you're worried about how they perceive your actions all the time, isn't a friendship worth having. I'm confident that if any of my friends, past or present, reached out to me that I would be there if they needed me. But I'm sad to say that I don't feel like I could do the same, not with all of them at least. But, as Bill Cosby says:

"I don't know the key to success, but I know the key to failure is trying to please everyone.."

The Competitive Bone is Connected to the...?

I'm too competitive for my own good. There. I said it. And it just so happens that the college team (my alma mater) I support happens to be less than average at the moment in my ALL of my favorite sports: football, basketball, and baseball. Every year before the seasons start, I'm all hyped up because we have these hot recruits coming in and/or our star players are going to be.. well.. star players. And then the season starts. And disappointment has almost always ensued.

But it's not just NC State... I play fantasy football as well, and I get soooo into those leagues too. Eventually, if I just see that I'm going to suck, I accept it... but when I'm doing well and there is a chance I can kick some booty... I get SO fired up when I lose. It doesn't last long and I get over it pretty easily when I'm not taunted. But that doesn't always go my way.

I don't know when the "it's just a game" was lost. I was competitive when I played softball in high school, and I would get upset when we lost, but it was the understandable kind of upset. But we were also good too, so I guess that plays a part. Of course it's easier when you win most of the time. :)

So anyway, this season NC State sucks at football, and we stand to actually (maybe) be better in basketball this year than football.. which right now we're slated to finish last. So.. you can see that "better" is barely marginal here. But.. we always have to hope that things will look up at some point. Right?? Right! And on the up side - go Chargers, Yankees, and May's Anatomy (fantasy football) who haven't sucked this year!!) Packies... we'll get it together one day and the other ACC teams will finally give us some respect. Until then.. can someone please remove this stupid competitive bone.. I think mine has mutated.

The Grass Wasn't Greener..

It's been a while since I last posted, and my, how things have changed! I can finally close the chapter called "less than happy". I took a job in June of 2008 at a transportation software company, which really was the best move I could've made. It really put a lot of things into perspective. Strangely.. in a very positive way.

I left my current job at the time, which was with Horizon Forest Products. I wouldn't say that I was the happiest, but looking back, it was my first job out of college. It's hard to say what happy really is when you have nothing to compare it to. I did know that I loved the people I worked with and I know that that's often hard to find in itself. I cried my eyes out the day I left, but I really felt like I was making a positive change with a substantial pay raise (hey, college = bills to pay).

So I started working for this transportation software company, working as the Client Support Manager, or so I thought. I later learned that was one of many titles in this very small start-up company of around 20-30 people. I know our team of implementers all had different titles, but we all pretty much did the same thing. So, really.. "Client Support Manager" didn't really mean that. It meant "you'll watch the Support Queue and whatever else that comes up". Which is okay.. I'm a great multi-tasker and I like a challenge. But, things progressively got worse. In a not-very-structured company, it's incredibly easy to lose focus and feel lost when it comes to direction. Especially when your resources are limited. And they were.

I'm not writing this to bad-mouth this company, because I do feel that I was able to learn and grow by working there for the past 1.5 years, and they really have a monster of a product. But, I reached a point at that establishment where I felt I was no longer able to be as productive and I was incredibly stressed, and oddly feeling pressured. It pretty much pushed me to a point where I felt like I just couldn't care anymore about certain things pertaining to my job because it was really going to drive me to complete insanity. And to me, that's a problem. My primary job deals with my clients and I'm convincing myself not to care about them or their issues that they're trusting me to fix or help resolve?? How am I supposed to be productive in that environment? It's just impossible, and it's even more impossible to suggest that I would be able to just not care. It's not in my blood. Not only that.. I begin reflecting on myself and where I spend 40 hours a week, week in and week out. I wasn't happy. It had to change.

Anyway, long story short - this move taught me that my search for greener pastures led me to a green pasture, which eventually turned to a desert and left me feeling unsettled and just thirsty for more... the money isn't always worth it, and your title doesn't mean squat.. (oh, and be careful when working along side close friends.. it's fun sometimes, but it can cause you unforeseeable stress that seems to really be unavoidable - luckily I can now see the stress on the friendships stemmed from the job and not the friends). I think it was necessary to take that leap to figure it out.. all of it, because I was offered a different job with my former company, Horizon, and I really feel like it's the best decision I've made in a long time. For my career, as well as quality of life (money aside). I know the people I'll be returning to work with, I respect them, and I know it's a solid and structured organization (emphasis here - Organization: derived from "organized", meaning well thought out and put together). And it's because of all these revelations that I really feel like I've maybe fallen back slightly.. but back to the arms of grace. And now "less than happy", has taken a turn for more. Potentially much more. :)

I really do love my dog...

Really, I do. But seriously... sometimes I wonder what in the world I did wrong! Don't confuse - she's a really sweet girl, very lovable. But then sometimes... Jovi can be so psycho!

Tonight, I was trying to be a good mom and take her out for a run so she could get some exercise since she's been napping all day while I've been at work. Plus it rained yesterday, and should rain tomorrow too.. so today was just logical. I decided to go to Craig's house (while he's in Miami for work), and get the bike and go out with her that way. Perfect! It wouldn't be as hard on me, and she'd get even more exercise (because she runs faster than me anyway).

Now Craig warned me... and of course gave me all of these pointers:

"Make sure you use the rear brakes when going downhill.. otherwise you'll flip over the handlebars.."
... uhh, rear brakes?

"She's skiddish of the bike to begin with so she shouldn't run out in front of you, but just be careful.."
... "shouldn't" really didn't sit well with me and made me super nervous.

"She may stop suddenly to poop so don't let that throw you.."
... awesome.

Really.. I swear she's my dog and I do know some stuff. But it's good to get pointers like this because I hadn't ridden a bike in 10+ years. Anyway, so we get to his house, and I get the bike and I grab a grocery bag just in case she decides she just has to go. And we're off.

..Sort of. Honestly, it took me like 15 minutes just to get on the bike, get my feet in the stupid alien pedals/overthought feet holders (I'm sure there was a logical reason for this.. like keeping your feet in place in the event you go faster than a turtle). Seriously.. this in itself was a feat. Trying to hold Jovi's leash, making sure she doesn't take off for some reason, get balanced, get situated in satan's feet traps.. and oh, did I mention that his driveway is uphill? I thought I was going to pull a muscle just trying to get going! So I finally get going up the hill steadily, and then a car pulls in the cul de sac. Of course. So being cautious in the event it freaks Jo out and she wants to go be friendly, I put my feet down and wait for the people to get out of the car and go inside before I start the whole "get going" process over again.

Finally, I get out of the cul de sac. And Jovi seems okay.. just kind of jogging/looking around. I think it was better that I didn't let her on the side of me where the grass was so she wasn't as tempted to smell every critter that may have passed over a specific blade of grass in the last month or so (and oh, she will). Anyway, we're on our way.. I speed up and slow down for her.. we kept a pretty good pace. I turn down one of the streets and I immediately remember there's this psycho dog that barks incessantly when we come by for our walks. So I'm trying to remember which house it is and of course, I'm on alert for the mean devil dog. I don't see the dog, so I begin to relax. Right about that time, Jovi perks up and takes off in the opposite direction after 2 or 3 squirrels! Rather than trying to hold on and potentially doing some sort of acrobatic move whenever Jovi finally decides to stop, I just let her go. She went on to do this 2 more times and I had no choice everytime but to just let her run. She didn't go far.. she'd just chase them up a tree and then I'd have to drag her away.

It's so crazy though.. she's semi-good when it comes to obedience otherwise, but when she sees something or someone she's interested in... there's just no getting through to her. Keep in mind that this is the same dog that took 3-4 months to house train and get to sleep through the night without taking her out at 2am. I came home everyday for lunch to clean out her crate/take her outside for those months. I didn't think it would ever end. Also the same dog that I came home to once, to find STANDING on my kitchen counter, eating chips. She seriously looked like a deer caught in headlights when I came through the door. I'll never forget that. But she's also the same sweet puppy that knows when I'm sick or not feeling well or just sad. And she snuggles up to me or curls up at my feet. It really is amazing how they can sense things.

And at the end of the day, I wouldn't have any other dog. She's my "jojo" and she's worth all of fuss in the world. :)

A Trip Down Memory Lane

February is normally a pretty good month for me. Birthday month, Valentine's Day (iffy some years, but I still would get candy and cards from my parents regardless for many years).. and there used to be a holiday in there when I was in school, but not many employers honor President's Day anymore (another reason why I wish I was still in school at times). Anyway.. this past February wasn't anything like I had experienced in the 25 years leading up to it.

On February 13th, my uncle passed away unexpectedly leaving some of the people I love the very most absolutely devastated. My grandmother and grandfather lost their only son and mama lost her baby brother, after just 47 years of life. The first of those two, I can't even fathom because I have no children yet, but I can only begin thinking about what it would feel like if I ever lost any of my brothers and it immediately moves me to tears. Over the years and for various reasons, Brian (my uncle) had become sick with Hepatitis and progressively got worse. While he was sick, no one expected him to leave us so quickly (doctors included). So again, devastation set in for many in my family. We ended up having his funeral service on February 17th, which was my birthday. So that will be a birthday that will be remembered for all the reasons you wish that it wasn't. But.. that's the way it goes sometimes. And several months later, there were still a lot of decisions to be made that no one was totally ready for. But then again, when are you really ready for something like that?

So, one of the main reasons I wanted to write about all this was really to bring light to the happier days of my childhood. But I had to start with what I did, in order to end up here. So yesterday, one of my brothers (Jeremy) and I had to make a trip to Watha, NC (yes, Watha.. not even a stoplight) in order to move some of the furniture out of the house where my uncle had been living. He was actually living in the house built (partially) by my great-grandfather. The same house we used to come to on Sundays and eat an absolute FEAST because Nanny didn't exactly support portion control. So much food.. and always macaroni and cheese on the table for me :) There was no way I was going to eat those "alligators" (okra), or those "trees" (broccoli). But before we dug into the macaroni and cheese and whatever else the others were eating (was there anything else?), was when I began the meal w/ the Lord's Prayer. However, no one told me until I was in.. oh.. say high school that I had been saying it wrong. I still get confused around one part, because I'm not sure which is right. Don't worry - I'm the same child that used to say the Pledge of Allegiance and would proudly recite "..And to the bucket for which it stands.." Yep, that was me. Hard to believe I was the Valedictorian that very same year in kindergarden. I kid you not.

My great-grandfather's barn where he kept his tractors and other equipment. Also where my brother often kept this stupid rubber snake that he terrorized me with.

Anyway, Nanny was the same lovely woman that whenever I came to stay with them, she let me eat whatever I wanted. Cool whip, cereal, jello, whatever and whenever. She always asked me about my tape worm (I didn't really understand that until later - for a while, I thought she was hoarding a pet worm). The same lovely woman who, when my mom was growing up and staying there, Nanny would bring in a bucket of dirt and dump it in the living room floor for mom to play with (clearly the times have changed a bit). There's just so much I remember. My great-grandfather (Popo) was the sweetest man in the world, with an even sweeter tooth. The same man who would see my CDs laying around on their kitchen table as I listened to my music and he'd ask how much they were. And then reply "Greaaat land!" He also found it fascinating to take his false teeth out and watch me squirm in disbelief/disgust/terror (in my defense, I was probably around 5 or 6 when he started doing this - maybe younger). Nanny would read me this book about zoo animals every single time I came to visit. And Popo would scrape the cheese and breadcrumbs off mom's broccoli casserole. It just goes on and on. And I couldn't help but relive some of those moments as I walked through that house again and moved out some of their furniture that is now mine.. which were among the many decisions to be made about what was left behind. Besides the memories and the scattered pictures, it's all I have.. and I'm so happy to have every piece.

Where the chicken house used to be, straight ahead. The tree to the left had a little stoop where Nanny would leave scraps for the stray cats after supper every night.

Another fun fact.. we used to play in that tree as well.. at one point, we (really meaning my environmental engineer brother - of course) had a bicycle hanging from one of the limbs, like a swing. (Envision something similar to ET here)

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RIP William "Cedrice", Grace, and Brian

So.. hi.

Ok, well.. you happen to be reading my very first blog. I'm sure you're incredibly honored (having sarcasm font here would be really awesome), but honestly.. I'm the type of person that will probably get a month down the road, read this post, and delete it because I think it sounds stupid. So... this might actually end up being my first deleted blog. I hope this doesn't ruin your experience here though.. don't be discouraged. I'm really not that boring. Am I rambling? Yes. Ok. This is why I hate leaving voicemails.. I will talk and talk, and usually repeat myself (i.e. - "Hey it's Haley.. just calling because I needed to remind you of this, and I was out and thought of it. So this is your reminder of this because such and such made me think of it.."), forget I'm not really talking to anyone, then realize it, and end the voicemail about as awkwardly ("ah, kbye") as it started. So feel priviledged if you receive a voicemail from me because they're rare.. and then please delete it. :)

..I'm rambling again.

But, to summarize for this moment in my life because after that rant, I'm sure you're like "what is she on?" - I'm actually in a really good place. Sometimes I can't help but think about how crazy it is with how things panned out so far, and I'm even more surprised about the people who have surprised me. We've all experienced some "lessons" and things have happened that have led us where we are, but really.. I'm so lucky. I used to be so down on myself and my life and I didn't enjoy things as much as I should've because I was focused on the wrong things. I'm so glad I've been able to bring the good stuff back into focus. I'm incredibly grateful for the people who have come and gone, and I've learned a lot from each of them. So every time I feel myself getting a little sad because things are so different than they once were, I just remember that it led me here and that I was lucky to have had those experiences to start with. I don't regret anything from the past... everything had its place and served its purpose. I just hope those involved are as understanding of it as I am. But that's all you can do I guess. One of my favorite movie quotes:

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what mama always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."
[Hope Floats]

Wow - is this too deep for the first encounter? It's not often that I'm like "Hi, I'm Haley and this is how I interpret the happenings in my life." But I really do have these thoughts.. often lately. I think it will be a good therapy to actually "vent" them.. and I don't think that I'm that far off or that no one will relate. So.. maybe it will be an epiphany to some who just haven't realized it yet. I'm rambling again. Oh, and I'm really horrible at goodbyes.. incredibly awkward for me. I'm that person that is told to "enjoy your meal" or to "have a nice flight".. and I reply with "you too!" Yeah.. as if they get to participate as well. So then I feel like a jerk.. and then I go to correct it and by then, it's just a moot point because they're already off thinking "Man, I'm hungry" or "Well, a vacation would be nice.."

Hmph. Kbye.