When I read my last blog post, I see that I apologized for being MIA for 3 months. Not sure what to say after being MIA for 3 years?
I have an excellent excuse. :) For the last 15 months or so, I've been trying to keep up with my daughter, Millie. My little firecracker. Seriously, motherhood has been amazing and I love being able to watch her grow everyday since I stay home with her. I've had jobs before but nothing makes me happier or fills me with more pride than getting to raise her. It's like I've finally figured out why I'm here and it has nothing to do with my business degree! Although, I'm sure I'll put that degree to use again in a few years.
In saying all that, it brings me to the main subject of this post.. extending my motherhood role. Before you get all excited, thinking "Yay! You're pregnant again!" No. No, I'm not. I would love to be, but it's currently not in the cards at this point in time. I've actually miscarried twice in the last 5 months and each time was harder than the last. I thought I had hit rock bottom in August, but Jan 2nd taught me otherwise.
We went in for our 1st ultrasound at 8 weeks, to find our little peanut without a heartbeat and only measuring 6 weeks. I knew when the tech was being so quiet, searching around my womb that it was my worst fear. Craig was holding Millie, trying to keep her calm because she was a little nervous with me on the table and it being so dark. I finally asked, "it's not good, is it.." The tech said no and started pointing things out which I already saw. Fast forward about 10 minutes, we were sent to another room to wait on the doctor, which we hadn't planned on seeing that day.
The doctor went over the technical stuff to make sure my dates were right, etc and then went into my options. Normally I love having options, but this boiled down to "which way do you want to remove what's left of the life inside you?" Granted, there was no heartbeat but it didn't change my thinking of it being my child in there. The child I'll never get to hold. Yes, I hope to get pregnant again and hold THAT child, but THIS child that was due in August will not be held by its parents who already loved him/her.
Complete devastation took over as I tried to discuss this with my doctor. I wasn't comfortable having a procedure done to remove the pregnancy based on 1 ultrasound so the doctor lined up another ultrasound before the scheduled procedure. I didn't want to be left wondering, "What if the baby was just slow developing but really was developing?" And then I began to worry that I would be torn if there did appear to be growth, but not much. Would I go ahead with the procedure or continue to torture myself, while clinging to hope that things would be okay week by week?
As I waited for the days to go by before the ultrasound, I just prayed for peace and for a clear mind to make the right decision if things seemed to be on the fence. In the meantime, I grieved for the child I had likely already lost. The one that was just sitting there inside me, that my body hadn't recognized as not being viable any longer. I felt broken in so many ways and as I wondered if I would get to experience a healthy pregnancy again, and if Millie will get to be a big sister.
We got the ultrasound and there was no progress. Things were the same and they did me pre-op for the following day's procedure. Mom came up and kept Millie while we went to the doctor. It was very quick and I was put under anesthesia for it. I remember them bringing me out of the anesthesia and not wanting to be brought out. I remember feeling almost disappointed that I had to face it all again. Regardless, I snapped out of it somewhat and we returned home to Millie and my mom. I rested most of the day and mom left that night.
A couple weeks later, we took a vacation to Jamaica and it was exactly what we needed, although I admit that I missed Millie terribly. I cried quite uncontrollably when we left her and I found myself down quite a few times over the week. It's such a change going on vacation after you've been a SAHM mom for over a year and all you've known is waking up to her each day and literally every day revolves around her and her schedule. It was nice to just be free to do what we wanted, but my missing her was palpable. Not only that but I was still dealing with the miscarriage and I had trouble talking to Craig about it. There's really just no "good" way to get through something like this. The best you hope for is that you DO get through it somehow.
Long story made short, we are still optimistic about having another baby but now we are in the process of selling our home in Fuquay and building a new house in Wake Forest. It's good to stay busy and to keep our minds occupied. I just try to have faith that it will happen if and when it's supposed to. Until then, I will just keep loving Millie and Craig since they are here now, and truthfully, some people don't get to even get married or have even 1 child of their own. I will try to worry about what I don't have yet, later...
