Now Let's Stomp EIGHT Times!

Sorry.  I have a 4-year-old and a nearly-2-year-old, so currently, Sesame Street is life. 🙌

Anywho.  We are here for mom's FINAL chemo treatment!!  🎉🎉🎉  The number of the day is... 8!  Her side effects have progressively gotten worse, as her energy level and any overall "good" feeling have mostly deteriorated.  She often looks around at the others at the CTCA and sees people that are too tired to stay awake and are curled up on chairs and couches and feeling terrible.  Or she sees people who are having to be carted around in wheelchairs, and I think that she feels as though she shouldn't complain.  I have to remind her to that although she could be a lot worse off, that she doesn't have to pretend that she doesn't feel bad.  She will have "good" days and she will think that she can get up and do something, but about as soon as she does, she realizes she doesn't feel as good as she thought.  She has to take breaks frequently and rest often.  The smallest of tasks wear her out and causes shortness of breath.

The doctors said that it's pretty typical for the chemo drugs that she's on, and her hemoglobin levels reflect that.  It explains her lack of energy and the shortness of breath because she doesn't have the hemoglobin to facilitate the oxygen she needs.  Her magnesium is slightly low and her potassium is REALLY low... to the point where she is having to get a 4 hour bag of potassium along with her chemo.  It is going to be really tight for us to make our late flight tonight, but the nurses think they can do it.  If her hemoglobin gets below 8 (she's at 9 now, down from 9.2 last time), she will need a blood transfusion before her surgery next month.  They don't seem too alarmed about it but it's definitely something they have to keep an eye on.  To try to help with energy, the practitioner offered up a B12 shot to help give her a boost. 💃 Hopefully that makes a difference.

Yesterday she had a pre-pre operation appointment where they ask more in depth questions and talk about what we are to expect for her surgery on our next trip.  She will have another pre-op appointment the day before her surgery, but it won't take quite as long.  They performed an EKG and all levels are considered normal.  They checked her lungs also and that was all well and good.  We had an occupational therapy appointment today as well, where they went over the risk of developing Lymphedema since they will be doing a lumpectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy with a possible axillary lymph node dissection (do not google images of Lymphedema as it is rather scary since those images tend to show people in 3rd world countries who do not have access to medicine... but if you are interested in reading more about it, go here).  When they were going over the surgery, they told mom she was getting a "partial mastectomy," and you could see the panic set in on mom's face. 😳  Our surgical oncologist has been calling it a "generous lumpectomy" this whole time and it sounds less serious, although it's the same thing.  Just different terminology by the doctor we were speaking with yesterday (which wasn't her surgical oncologist, Dr. Johnson).

All in all, mostly good news.  We'd like her potassium and magnesium to be better, but we were glad it wasn't her white blood cells that were off, and that she is/was able to still get chemo today.  And obviously, we'd like her energy and overall well-being to be better, but that should start to rebound once we can get this chemo out of her system, and we are hoping the B12 helps to facilitate that as well.  We are in the homestretch of this phase and mom is SO ready to be done with it so she can get back to her routine from 6 months ago (that she was really enjoying).

I think she loves the simplicity of wearing a scarf/bandana every day, but I'm pretty sure she's ready to ditch this look.  We love her regardless and we are looking forward to her new 'do at Christmas next year. 👳😉😊

SEVEN!

Monica Friends GIF from Monica GIFs

7 down!  ONE more to go!! 💃💃💃💃💃

Mom had the first ultrasound that she's had since before she started chemotherapy.  They don't see any reason to be concerned that it's reached the lymph nodes, so that's great news! 🎉 They also located the known tumor and measured it.  The chemo appears to have shrunk it in half! 🙌  Dr. Alvarez is hoping that the last 2 treatments will shrink it further.  He said best case scenario is obviously that there's nothing left after the last treatment, and they just scoop out where the tumor once was.  Then still do the planned radiation for 6 weeks.

Her levels and blood counts looked much better than last time (we assume it's thanks to the neulasta shot that was distributed in the little patch that she wore home).  She has it again so that's staying the same.  The only level that they said wasn't great was her iron, but it wasn't enough to warrant a blood transfusion.  So, basically all good news!  She received chemo this morning and we are heading back to Wilmington on a 7pm flight. 

Her nausea is still the biggest concern.  The body aches and pains aren't nearly as bad, and neither is the neuropathy.  She has less energy though, and the nausea is on and off basically all the time.  She is able to take nausea medications, which will cause it to subside long enough to be able to get something to eat, but it always comes back.  We missed her at Thanksgiving, but she was still able to go with Grandmama to Aunt Claudia's house and be with some of the family since she wasn't able to come to Raleigh.  She liked having the option to be able to just drive 5 minutes home in case she didn't feel good.  We offered to come to her house and have the dinner there, but I know that would've been a house full with nowhere to really retreat to if she didn't feel well.  Plus, my kids are like bloodhounds when it comes to AnnaAnna and would have a hard time understanding why they couldn't crawl all over her like they normally do. 👦👧

All in all, it has been a pretty smooth trip.  No surprises, no problems.  She didn't feel well yesterday, but she rebounded today.  Hopefully once we get home, the chemo doesn't make her feel too awful.  She is certainly dreading when it "hits".  Until next time... (and thanks for reading, and for all the thoughts and prayers!) 🙏💞

Almost SIX

🎤 "SIX foot, seven foot, eight foot BUNCH!"  
(Yes, those are the words - I had to google them, because I definitely thought it was "punch" and not "bunch"...  but then I started thinking... what in the world is this song about anyway?  Kind of interesting. By the way, I love Beetlejuice.) 



Anywho.

So, we are working on mom's chemo treatment #6, but we are at a stalling point.  They draw blood every time before her oncologist appointment, which also precedes the chemo appointment and that's when they go over her labs with regard to blood cell count, different levels, etc.  Well, today they were not so good, so they will not let mom have chemo therapy today. The main concern was the ANC.

The absolute neutrophil count is commonly called the ANC.  Like I said, it was low, which means her immune system is weak.  They gave her a shot of Neupogen, which will stimulate healthy neutrophil growth and hopefully raise her ANC level to the appropriate mark (to where it is safe to administer chemo tomorrow).  If it doesn't work, they will try another shot, wait another 24 hours, do more blood labs, rinse and repeat until they get it right.

That's where we are for now.  The new drugs that she started last treatment have been very different for her in terms of side effects.  Basically ongoing nausea for the first 10ish days post-treatment (fortunately it never reached vomiting status, but I think she felt pretty awful a couple times), followed by intermittent nausea on and off with help of anti-nausea meds, very limited appetite, watery eyes, mild neuropathy in her fingers and toes, and random achy teeth.  When I would check in on her, she said she would feel ok until she tries to eat something and then she almost immediately feels queasy.  She said she is really careful about what she eats as well because if she eats anything remotely sweet, it makes her feel worse (although it doesn't keep her from craving a krispy kreme doughnut! 🍩🍩🍩)

We are actually kind of relieved that she will be able to get chemo and leave on the same day.  Mainly due to last time when we woke up the next morning after chemo, she didn't even want to get out of bed due a terrible combination of a headache and nausea. We will cross our fingers and hope her levels get to a safe level to receive chemo and we can get #6 behind us.  We are already looking ahead to surgery in January (likely the week of Jan 15), and we have an ultrasound scheduled for the next visit to see what is left of the tumor.  There is already some debate about whether the tumor is metaplastic or not, due to how [seemingly] well the tumor has reacted to the chemo.  Originally we thought that since it was diagnosed as metaplastic, that the chemo would have a very limited effect on the tumor.  However, since it seems like ever since the 1st treatment, we've been unable to find it via physical examination, maybe it wasn't metaplastic after all (per the surgical oncologist).  The surgery procedure will tell us a lot so we are anxiously awaiting more information at that time.

Until then, we are chugging along (at a snail's pace today, but nonetheless at a pace).  🐌🐌🐌

FIVE!

🎤 "5-1-5-0 somebody call the po-po.. "🚔

I'm really struggling with this song theme, but I'm going to make it all the way to treatment 8.  You have my word!

Anywho, treatment #5 y'all!  We are happy to report that it was a MUCH shorter infusion time with the 3 new drugs she's getting.  We went back to the chemo room at around 1:30 and finished up around 4:30.  There's a pharmacy here at the center and we had to get mom's prescription for nausea since that is supposed to be a major side effect with these meds.  We are staying at the hotel that's attached to the hospital/center here so we didn't have far to go to get to our room.  It was a pretty uneventful day overall.  The oncologist briefed us on what these next treatments will likely bring (mostly the same side effects, plus nausea *maybe*).  We are holding tight to that optimism because I think mom would rather have just about any side effect over nausea/vomiting).  He also went over her levels and her liver function is looking better (her levels were a little off the last couple treatments, but nothing major) and her potassium is still a smidgen low (even though she took supplements the last treatment, along with a bag of potassium with her chemo last time).  So the next 3 weeks, they want her to take more potassium and see if that gets her a little higher.

But honestly, it was a really boring appointment (in the best way possible), so everything is still looking good and she still seems to be responding well to treatment!  Fingers crossed we stay on this track and we can make it home on the plane with zero need for barf bags!! 🙅🙅

Edit to add: We woke up this morning and mom isn't feeling great.  She woke up around 4am to take a nausea pill because her stomach felt heavy.  She also has a terrible headache, and last night she was complaining of what might be the beginning of sinus issues as she was congested when she went to bed.  We will see how the next few days pan out... 🤞

#MeToo

I've been stewing on the latest news story, as it pertains to women, for a week or so now. Another HUGE headline that results in women coming forward, as a celebrity is finally called out for taking advantage of women. And these aren't just co-workers overstepping their boundaries, but these are people who are taking advantage of women because of their own status in the company or employment place and/or because of their status in society.  Rose McGowan has been screaming about Harvey Weinstein for years, (literally years) and it's just now gaining steam because there's been a domino effect of women coming forward (in droves, no less).  But of course, now you have people claiming that they're just after their 15 minutes of fame.  And when that narrative doesn't fit, it's the "Oh, she's been irrelevant for a while, so she's just trying to drum up some publicity now." Or, as sickening as it sounds and is, there's the "Well, she was probably asking for it because she wore something provocative."

I'm sorry, what?!

This.  This is why it takes women years to come forward and tell someone their story.  Or they may never come forward at all.  I can tell you why, and I can do that because I've experienced it.  I know that I can rely on my friends and family to believe the story that I'm about to tell you because they are my friends and family.  But if I were to have taken my story to a local news station because, you guessed it, absolutely nothing happened to the man, I would've been persecuted for seeking attention or fame or something absurd (and frankly, undeserving).  So, I told the most "high up" person I could tell within the company.  Unfortunately (for me), that happened to be his father.

I will start by telling you that my story in no way compares to the stories that I'm hearing in the news.  I was never physically assaulted and no one forced themselves on me (praise Jesus because then I think he would've been in the news for sure).  But I knew then that it was inappropriate, but it wasn't until I became a mother that it had a different emotional effect on me.  I'm not even sure I ever told my parents about it (sorry, mom and dad), but I know that if I EVER hear that my kids were receiving any sort of sexual harassment, I would be livid.

The whole gist of my story is that I was working at this establishment during my senior year in college.  I was an assistant to the VP of Operations and after a few months, also headed up the small purchasing department because it was offered to me and I felt it pertained directly to my degree.  I was only in the office part time but I was given a laptop and had to oversee and purchase everything that was needing to be purchased remotely as well as correspond with all vendors, as I finished my degree.  It wasn't a hard job, but it created a lot of busy work on top of the 15 or so credit hours I was responsible for as well.

My boss (we will call him Jr) was not much older than me.  Maybe 5-10 years, so maybe he was under the impression that we were pals and could share in the banter that he deemed appropriate.  I was under a good bit of pressure, trying to finish college while also trying to balance the part time job that took up a good chunk any free time I had in between classes.  So there were times he'd call me into his office for whatever reason, and if I didn't laugh or laugh enough at his jokes, he would just say, "You need to get laid."  I remember the first time he said it (yes, there were multiple times) and I was just puzzled because what do you say to that?  Did he expect me to agree?  What was the point of him saying that to me, other than to just assume that I wasn't laughing at his jokes because I wasn't sexually satisfied.  Eventually, it was just overlooked and I would roll my eyes.

I had a spring break trip and I remember meeting with him before I left to make sure everything was taken care of before I left, and he reminded me again to get drunk and get laid.  In what world is this ok for a boss to talk to his employee?  There were many instances of these types of dialogue and rest assured, I did NOT participate.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a pretty reserved person when it comes to crude talk.  And furthermore, I won't even say the word "fart"  to my husband so yeah...  I'm not the type to egg on this type of behavior.  And when I wouldn't jab back, Jr would call me a prude.  I finally had enough after I had graduated and decided to just cut my losses and look for another job, but I knew I needed to leave, even if I didn't have another job in the wings yet.  My brother helped me to write up a resignation letter and in that I described a hostile working environment and sent it to Jr's father (we'll call him "Sr", who was the president of the company).  He called me almost immediately and asked me to describe what I meant when it came to "hostile working environment."  I gave him some examples like I described above, along with the constant yelling and chastising of other employees with Jr's unreasonable expectations.  Of course, I realize that's my opinion but I remember watching people walk out of his office (they would have to walk through my office to leave), and my co-workers would just look so defeated as they left.

After I left, I asked if I could have my remaining vacation days paid out and Sr agreed.  Of course, all of that changed after I actually left and I didn't think it was necessary to have things documented until that point.  Lesson learned there, but fortunately for me I haven't been treated this way by a boss-figure since.  It taught me to really examine potential future bosses/supervisors and decide if I felt like they were aware of what personal boundaries meant.

Something else that stuck with me more-so because it dealt with other colleagues' perception of me (which I really valued, having just graduated from college and essentially being brand-new to the work force, in a time where there weren't a lot of job openings circa 2006), was a rumor that Jr apparently started when we would travel to trade shows.  A colleague of mine told me that after I left, he heard from other vendors that when Jr would meet with them at trade shows (apart from me), and would tell them that he and I were sleeping together (!!!).  By the way, I feel like I have to proclaim that it is 100% FAKE NEWS.  Seriously though, I'm pretty sure I avoided hugs, and maybe even hand shakes too.  But hearing that was my major "Holy $H!+" moment.  These are people that I worked with on a daily basis and would meet with them at trade shows to discuss product partnerships, etc and they were likely thinking that I was trying to sleep my way to the top.  I was horrified, but I didn't know how to fix it or how to address it. So I didn't. If I had it to do over again, I still don't know what I would do, or if I could've done anything to really change it anyway.  I found another job with a great company shortly after and it was a breath of fresh air.  I did take a pay cut unfortunately, but if I have to give up money to not have to work in that kind of environment, I guess that's what it takes.  But honestly, karma is real and the company tanked not that long after AND Sr went to prison (and may still be there) for fraud and heading up a Ponzi scheme.  I don't know how Jr didn't get mixed up in it, but I'm sure he paid in other ways.

I just hope that my kids are raised in a world where people are held more accountable for their actions.  Yes, there are going to always be evil people out there doing bad things.  But when people (not just women) come forward to tell you what's happening, LISTEN.  Then not only listen, but how about maybe do something about it?  And I don't mean put them on some sort of administrative leave, or moving them around in the company where they interact with a new population of people.  I mean... HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.  The first time.  Because when there is evidence of one victim, there is no need for there to be evidence of two.  Ever.

FOUR

🎤There's only one thing, two do, three words FOUR youuuuuu... I love you. 

- Plain White T's                     

#idontthinkicankeepupthisthememuchlonger

We are halfway through chemotherapy treatment!  FOUR treatments done!  I know you are probably thankful you don't have to read these cheesy song references much longer. 😉  Mom is currently sleeping, or trying to sleep.  While the rooms are private, the hallways tend to be loud and the rooms don't have doors (only curtains), so getting a solid nap is pretty difficult.  Benadryl helps a little - she's definitely drowsy enough to sleep, but like I said.. constant noise, and doors closing (slamming), people talking, etc.  That's probably my ONLY complaint about this facility.  Because clearly, it's all about me. 💁

So, mom had her big Vegas trip since her last treatment and she had a great time.  Honestly, she said she felt pretty terrible the first 2-3 days that she was there, but after that, she said it was like flipping a switch and side effects were mostly minimal.  She also said that with each treatment, it progressively gets worse.  She knows what to expect now, but the "sick" feeling is more pronounced each time.  Since this is her last treatment with these 2 drugs, we're hoping that the side effects with the next 2 maybe won't be as bad.  The Dr can't really say though because everyone reacts differently, but he anticipates much of the same.  One good thing is that instead of the 7-8 hour infusion we've been having, the next 4 treatments should take half that much time to infuse, if that.  So that's good news!  It makes for a really long day here at the Treatment Center.

But, back to her Vegas trip - she didn't hit any big jackpots, but she had a great time with the cousins.  It's her favorite vacation spot (besides laying on the beach, somewhere tropical), so even though she was feeling badly the first few days, I knew there weren't many places she'd rather be!  I was relieved that she felt confident enough to have some time away that didn't involve her treatments.

Debbie sent me this picture of Mama that I love.  I have no doubt that there were people swarming around inside the Bellagio, but this picture looks so tranquil, like she's the only person there..  and she looks so happy. 💞

It's Easy As 1, 2, 3...

🎤  Simple as do, re, mi... A, B, C.. 1, 2, 3.. baby you and me, girrrl.. #newopeningnumber

via GIPHY

Chemo treatment #3 is under way and she's her normal happy-go-lucky self.  Maybe a little more loopy than "normal," since that benadryl is now kicking in. 👍🍷

Her last treatment went as expected - no huge happenings.  The side effects snuck up on her a little faster than the previous treatment and she experienced nausea 24 hours after her treatment ended.  She was able to fight it off with a zofran and didn't need to take anything for nausea anymore after that.

She still experienced the same side effects from last time too - body/muscle/joint pain (often rather intense and lasted for a while), numbness (neuropathy) in fingers and hands (lasting longer than last time), and gastro-intestinal issues (but not as bad as last time).  So, I'd say that she managed it all much better than the first treatment, so that's progress! 💪 After this treatment, she has 1 more with these 2 chemo drugs, and then she gets 2 new chemo drugs for 4 more cycles (every 3 weeks), with her last treatment being on December 20th (Merry Christmas to us! 🎄🎅).

We met with the radiation oncologist today (we've had appointments allll morning, only to have chemo alllll afternoon and not finishing up until 9pm or so tonight) and discussed different survival rates associated with mom's particular type of breast cancer, based on lumpectomy + radiation vs mastectomy.  In summary, we are more than likely looking at the "generous" lumpectomy approximately 2-3 weeks after her last chemo treatment.  Then radiation 2-3 weeks following her surgery.  The radiation would be 5 days/week for approximately 5-6 weeks.  

Mom will have some decisions to make as we get closer to the radiation portion.  She would need to be here in GA for almost all of those 5-6 weeks and that can be tricky considering how mom helps take Grandmama and Grandaddy to all of their various appointments.  Also, we feel better when we can have someone staying with Grandmama these days just because you never know (shoutout to mom's cousin, Angie who has been keeping Grandmama company while we travel to ATL! 🙌 ).  Grandmama's health is okay, but if she were to fall or something completely random were to happen, she would be in a bind if mom is gone for days at a time.  It's just a lot to consider, but we like the idea of mom getting her radiation here, simply because we feel they offer the best care.  

So, that's where we are for now.  We hope that the rest of the journey goes as smooth as it has gone so far.  Mom gets to go to Vegas next week with her cousins, and is SO excited to be able to travel for fun, instead of chemo!  Send up some prayers and let the positive vibes flow that the side effects remain mild with no complications, so that she can get some relaxing time away from the current reality!

#ispywithmylittleeye 👳😉

     

2 down, 6 to go!

🎤Guess who's back.. back again.. mama's back.. tell a friend  (#sorrynotsorry if you don't get the rap reference 💅).  

We're back at the treatment center outside of ATL (Newnan), getting chemo treatment #2.  Mom's first treatment went well, but the side effects were a little jarring.  Mom was mainly worried about nausea and vomiting, but she experienced none of that!  Yay! 🎉  But on day 3, the joint/muscle pain and body aches made her miserable.  She said she hurt from her scalp all the way to her toes, and that it felt like body aches from the flu x 10.. and that it hurt to even just touch her skin.  I spoke to her by phone one day when she was just starting to feel a little better with regard to the aches and she said she hurt so bad that she just wanted to "waller" all over("waller" is a mama term, for sure 😂).  That lasted for a couple days and the doctor called and prescribed some meds for "wanting to waller" and it quickly got better. 👍😜


The only other true side effect (and to mom, it was the worst) was the gastro-intestinal issue that took 2 weeks to resolve (I'll spare you the emoji).  But once she got that worked out, she says she felt pretty good.  We are going to take some precautions this time around to where we can either keep that from being a problem or it not be as bad.  And by "we," I mean Mama obviously.  Not much I can do in that department! 😬


Her hair began falling out in clumps last week (as we expected), so it wasn't a shock.  We spent a few days at the beach over the weekend and we decided to go ahead and shave it in front of the kids so that they weren't shocked when mom suddenly had no hair.  I feel like them seeing me shave her head really helped the process.  Millie held the trashcan as I shaved off huge clumps and put them in.  She said "Thank you" every time I put more in it and seemed totally unphased by it.  Chase was his normal busy-body self and didn't really pay much attention, but he sure gave mom a good once-over when I was finished.

*disclaimer: this is not actual footage of Chase*

Fortunately though, he didn't hesitate to go to his AnnaAnna when it was all said and done. 😍 It was a relief because Chase wanted nothing to do with me last week, and all I did was come home with bangs! 😳 #notfeelingthelove


We had a check-up with the oncologist today.  He performed a physical exam and we are happy to report that he was NOT able to locate the lump anymore just by feeling around!  Great news! 🙌🙌🙌🙌  No ultrasound was performed but the doctor was obviously pleased with that assessment alone! #fightinglikeamother 💁


Overall, mom is and has been in great spirits, and has mostly remained her normal, jovial self through it all so far! 👯  I could tell when she didn't feel well though as I called to check in daily. 😔  I hate being so far away, but I'm so grateful for friends like Brookes, who took her and Grandmama enough food for an army during the worst of it.  Jessica and her mom also stopped by one day to visit, and brought them some Krispy Kreme doughnuts and some flowers.  Mom's sister-cousin, Debbie, came and checked on her and brought her favorite Bojangles' meal, and they've had several visitors popping in and out periodically.  It's been really refreshing, and that's not even counting the people that have so generously offered to bring meals or do whatever they can to help.  We're just trying to space it all out, since we have 6 more months of somewhat uncertainty.  I don't want to use up all of our help in one treatment!  So, again - thank you all for all of the support through cards, messages, meals, visits, and offering to help watch the kids while I come with Mom.  I can't imagine her coming here by herself, even though she has assured me she could do it(and I'm sure she could).  But I don't see a reason to have her do that, if I can get it worked out to be here with her.  So thanks to everyone that helps so that I don't have to imagine her doing it alone!! 💗💗💗

#stronglikemom💪

Just For Fun... Still mom-themed though!

How well do you know your mom? 

1. She is sitting in front of the TV, what is she watching? Today Show, or whatever happens to be on because she's not really watching it anyway.

2. What dressing does she eat on her salad? Bleu Cheese?

3. Name something she hates? People not driving "correctly", or having to wait.

4. What does she like to drink? water or sweet tea or 2 cups of coffee in the morning

5. Favorite music to listen too? Just about everything... you should see her walking/dancing playlist!

6. What is her nickname for you? I don't think I have one?  HaleyJ, maybe? 

7. What is something she collects? Gambling cards😂

8. What would she eat every day if she could? Fried chicken! 

9. What is her favorite color? purple😬

10. What would she never wear? leggings... she says she looks like a stuffed sausage!  (she doesn't) 

11. What is her favorite sports team? NC State whatever for obvious reasons.. 💁😂

12. What is something that you don't do that she wishes you did? Whatever it is I'm doing at the time... I'm probably not doing it right!

13. You bake her a cake, what is it? Chocolate cake, or cream cheese pound cake.

14. Favorite animal? Outside ones 🤷🏼‍♀️

15. What could she spend all day doing if she could? reading at the beach

16. Who is her favorite child? Point of contention!  No comment! (🙋)

17. What's her favorite sweet? Krispy Kreme doughnuts! 

18. How many brothers & sisters does she have? 1 brother

19. Favorite alcoholic drink? a SHAKEN bay breeze, preferably made by Brookes!

20. You're in jail & you call her, what is her response? "Oh my lord!"

1 Chemo down, 7 to go!

We got back to mom's house last night LATE, around midnight.  It was a very long day, but mom did great!  Unfortunately, with the 2 chemo drugs she's getting in the first 4 cycles, her chemo days will be long (like 8 hours) since she's only getting treatment every 3 weeks.  So, she's not looking forward to that, since we thought that after the first treatment, they would be around 3-4 hours long.  But really, I didn't think it was so bad.  They have a TV in the room and you have plenty of channels to choose from, or you can watch movies.  Mom was feeling the benadryl, so the first 2-3 hours she mainly slept on and off.  Then they brought her lunch, and I went down to the dining hall and got lunch and her a piece of cake (because, chemo = guilt free cake 🎂).

The recliner she gets to sit in is very comfy and has heat and a massager on it (hayyyy 💃💃).  She didn't use it, but as she becomes less of a newbie, I think it could come in handy for relaxing.  They also have a nice balcony she can go sit on, and roll her little IV cart out there with her.  For safety reasons, she wasn't allowed to do it on her first treatment, but she'll be able to mosy on out there the next time if she wants to.

She had to go to the restroom A LOT, because of all the fluids they were pumping.  They forgot to tell her about that, so the dozen or so trips caught her off guard.  To be extra careful, when she does use the restroom, she has to flush twice when she's done so there's no remaining drugs from bodily fluids in the toilet when the next person comes in.  Also, if you're not receiving chemo and go to the restroom in the infusion department, they suggest you flush once before you sit, so you're not in danger of any trace of the chemo drugs coming into contact with you.  I find it interesting that the drugs they're pumping into mom by the bagful, they don't even want them grazing non-patients due to safety reasons.  Kind of amazing how powerful they must be, and scary at the same time.

Once they were done flushing her port, we were able to leave.  We grabbed a bite to eat in the dining hall and then waited for the shuttle to the airport.  Our flight was delayed at the very last minute (and I do mean that -- we were already on the plane, and then we sat there because they were messing with the cargo area, and then we had to wait our turn to take off).  So we were about an hour delayed.

I put on Facebook this morning that I saw Lady Mary (Michelle Dockery) from Downton Abbey on our flight last night (I talked to Sammy Watkins of the Buffalo Bills briefly in the security line last week).  It took me the entire flight to figure out where I knew her from.  I kept thinking that I must've known her from high school since she looked so familiar and was heading to Wilmington.  But then her British accent gave it away as she walked by me after we landed and it clicked.  I don't get to sit next to mom on the flights usually, so mom told me that apparently, she sat next to her.  That was after mom greeted her by saying "Hey, you're in my seat."  😂 Mom went on to say that she wasn't very talkative (you don't say 🤔).  I told mom that she probably couldn't understand her country twang.  Anyways, it was just a funny story.  I'm just sorry I stared at the girl for an eternity trying to figure out how I knew her.  That would've creeped me out.  My bad. 🙋

Today, we got up and mom went through her normal morning routine with her 2 cups of coffee, but she said she had a headache that was kind of a nuisance and she felt jittery and anxious.  She did say that she felt a little better once she got something on her stomach, other than coffee.  She said she wanted to try to go walk because the oncologist stressed that keeping up her daily activity was important (and to maybe even try to do more if she felt good enough).  But, we were just taking baby steps.  So I went with her to walk the loop, like she does every morning.  We walked a little slower than normal, but she did great.  We also figured that the amount of sweating that she did was probably good for her, to try to get those drugs out of her system.  She said she felt sluggish but that is understandable considering the last 2 days and everything her body is currently experiencing from the port insertion and the chemo.

After that, we went to grab a bite to eat and saw my bestie at their restaurant (shameless plug for Bill's Front Porch Pub and Brewery 🍻.. check it out if you're in Wilmington).  It was just nice to be in a familiar place.  We went and got her prescription to combat any nausea she might have in the future so that she's ready if those side effects do creep up on her.  I'm only telling y'all all of this so you can see that she's doing normal activities and not bedridden (so far... knock on wood).  She got in a short nap after that and then my brother came to visit, and I left to get back to Craig and my babies.

I checked in with her tonight once I was home and she said all was well, and she was still feeling okay.  I can tell she's tired though.  We didn't sleep much while we were gone and last night wasn't much better since we got back so late.  Thanks to everyone who has been asking how she's doing and checking in!  We hate that these circumstances are the reason, but it's been so heart-warming to see how many people care about our mama.  Really, the smallest gestures have meant the world.  So, again.. thank you! 💞

Chemo #1

Mom got her port put in yesterday and it went very well.  I met with the surgeon after he was done, and he said he was able to attach the port catheter to the small vein.  If they hadn't been able to do that, they would've had to go behind the collarbone to get to the "big one", and when you do that, you risk puncturing a lung.  So we were happy to have avoided that possibility.  Other than slight soreness and being tired, she said she felt great!

This morning we got here just before 7am and mom got her blood drawn to check all her levels and whatnot before we start chemo.  Both her and the RN have to wear masks for now as her port is being accessed since it is so new.  They do not want ANY germs near it.  Mom is so funny when she gets her blood drawn or anything that might hurt a bit.  Before they even touch her, she's all "oowie, oowie, oowie, oowie, oowie."  The RNs are so confused but they can't help but laugh.

Yes, that was mom being surprised at the end that I didn't pass out.  Sometimes I'm probably a questionable choice for caregiver. 😬

All of her labs have come back great and she's currently getting her pre-meds (benadryl, steroid, etc) to try to combat some of the side effects she may experience.  This first treatment they will administer very slowly, so as to not overwhelm her body.  This will likely take 6 or 7 hours once we start the actual chemo.  After that, we will get discharged and head to the airport around 7pm to catch our 9:35pm flight. 😩 It wouldn't be so bad except our last 2 flights have been delayed 1.5 to 3 hours and it makes an already long day very long.  I think next time we are going to try to come in the morning of her chemo, stay that night, and come back the next morning, assuming we can get it all worked out with her appointments and the scheduler.

Currently, mom is starting to ramble as the benadryl starts to set in.  It's funny.  She's starting to slur and her eyes are so heavy.  But she swears she's not tired.  Now she has the giggles and can't stop laughing.  Gonna be an interesting day, folks! 😉 Cheers to her first treatment! 👍🍻 #becausemamaisacouplemargaritasaheadofusall 

  

Mom's Diagnosis

**This is SO long... sorry for the novel!

The month started out well.  It's always fun when there's a holiday, and we lightly celebrated with neighbors and the pool, etc for the 4th of July.  Then July 5th happened.  My mom got a phone call from the surgeon that biopsied a lump she found before her most recent mammogram.  We were hoping it was something along the lines of scar tissue, a cyst, a lost butterbean that somehow escaped her esophagus on the way to her stomach... basically ANYTHING but the word cancer.  But, people get cancer every day.  It's not something you can choose, and mom certainly didn't choose to spend her retirement this way.  So, we fight and we keep going. 

She texted my brother and me the next morning, as we knew she was waiting to hear from the doctor.  One of the [many] things that upset me was/is thinking about her sitting on that diagnosis ALL night long, not telling anyone.  How scary!  So anyway, she texted us... and when the text starts out telling us not to call her yet, you know it's not good.  She relayed what the surgeon told her and immediately I cry, then begin to google.  Millie was at camp that morning, and Craig headed off to the pool to get an early swim in before work (aka - he was away from his phone).  So it was just me and Chase and I was desperately googling everything I could regarding Triple Negative Invasive Breast Cancer.  Chase obviously had no idea why I was crying, although, you could tell he was confused about the crying role reversal.  The first thing I read about this cancer was that it was aggressive and prone to recurrence.  So, I knew I needed to go to the gym and put him in the nursery there so I could [try to] get a handle on this.  Doing anything else was not an option.  I also knew I would have to tell Craig.  Telling him at the gym was not high on my list, but I knew I couldn't sit on it for 2 hours, while trying to distract Chase and research.

I get to the gym and unload Chase in the nursery and continue researching.  I get a slight grasp on it and begin to get upset again.  So I go into the pool area to find Craig and he knew I was waiting on mom's results.  I stood at the end of his lane and he looked up after finishing his lap, and I just completely lost it.  There in front of countless other people in the pool, I just sobbed.  I told him what I knew and once I settled down, we begin to TRY to formulate some sort of plan.  I was a wreck for the rest of the day, but after a couple days and finally speaking to mom on the phone, we started to get better and begin to focus on getting through it instead of all the "what ifs" that seemed to be staring us in the face.  

The 2nd Opinion: 
I was so worried that mom was going to just stick to whatever her doctors in Wilmington told her and suggested, without consulting outside the area.  The oncologist that she was referred to in Wilmington was so overbooked, that they took 6 business days to call her after she had her diagnosis, and THEN they told her they couldn't get her in until August unless she wanted to drive to Leland to a different office.  It just didn't seem like they cared or that this was a priority, to put it plainly.  That's not the kind of care that I (or my brother) wanted for her.  Not to mention that the surgeon and oncologist that would be leading all of this was a general surgeon and general oncologist -- no real focus on breast cancer, much less this form of cancer.  And I knew without a doubt that if the roles were reversed, she would not want me to settle for that either.  And don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with using a general surgeon or oncologist, but I personally like knowing that they specialize in what is wrong with me.  When it could be life and death, I would want the best.  Especially considering the treatment centers that weren't that far away, either by car or plane.  

My step-mother's sister is currently being treated at the Cancer Treatment Center of America (CTCA), and has had nothing but glowing reviews of the center, so I mentioned it to mom and eventually, she said she was ready to hear a 2nd opinion.  So, I began making calls for her.  It has been great so far and they have been beyond accommodating.  They made a terrible situation a lot easier to deal with by taking the burden of the back and forth between insurance companies and several doctors offices for medical records.  Obviously, we felt comfortable with their facility and their treatment plan and agreed to begin right away.  We couldn't think of a reason not to, so we felt like that was a good sign.  And honestly, who wants to wait to treat under these circumstances?


Triple Negative Invasive Breast Cancer:
I won't go into all the details of everything I researched and learned from the 2 oncologists, 2 surgeons, radiation oncologist, and plastic surgeon (and then some) that we saw because the number of tabs I had open on my computer alone, for about a week, likely is not recommended for a smooth operating system...  but what I can tell you in a broad sense is that this form of breast cancer essentially means that the three most common types of receptors known to fuel most breast cancer growth (estrogen, progesterone, and HER-2) are not present in the tumor.  So you are pretty limited in treatment options, which basically consists of chemo, surgery, and radiation in some variation.  

The good: triple negative breast cancer may respond even better to chemotherapy in the earlier stages than many other forms of cancer.  But much of it depends on the stage and grade of the tumor.

Before mom's biopsy on July 3rd, she was a late stage 1, with the tumor size just under 2 cm.  Also consider that the biopsy removes a portion of the tumor when extracted to test after that measurement.  However, when we visited the CTCA outside of ATL (for a 2nd opinion) on July 19th, the breast cancer surgeon performed another ultrasound, and it had grown to 2.7 cm in about 2 weeks time.  Which also meant that she was in a solid stage 2 rather quickly.  So, it grew from less than about 1.9cm (since they took some of it to biopsy) and it grew to 2.7cm in a little over 2 weeks.  Again, aggressive.  We met with the oncologist in ATL, same treatment center, 2 days later and he suggested chemo first for 6 months (8 cycles), then surgery (either "generous" lumpectomy or unilateral mastectomy 2-3 weeks after chemo is done), then most likely radiation 2-3 weeks after that.  So she will get chemo tomorrow, and then every 3 weeks after that for 6 months.  8 total chemo visits.  She will not be remaining here and will fly back and forth from Wilmington to Atlanta for each visit.  Because of mom's insurance (thank goodness she still has BCBS), they pay for mom (and sometimes a caregiver) to fly back and forth for appointments, and they have really cheap rates at nearby hotels for accommodations when needed.

The bad: the tumor is grade 3(poorly differentiated) – the cancer cells look most changed and are usually fast-growing.  People with grade 3 invasive breast cancers are more likely to be offered chemotherapy to help destroy any cancer cells that may have spread as a result of the cancer being faster growing, hence the treatment plan presented by the oncologist.  They have a scale when returning results to determine the grade.  They usually like to see it in the 20s... well, Mom's was in the 70s.  It wasn't what we wanted to hear.

Another thing to consider is the BRCA-1 gene.  My mom's maternal family has a history of testing positive for the BRCA-1 gene when diagnosed with breast cancer.  Two of her 1st cousins and her Aunt all have had breast cancer.  The 2 first cousins tested positive for the gene, but my Aunt was never tested (she had it around 40 years ago and is now 96).  We are waiting to hear back from the genetic testing, but obviously, we wouldn't be surprised if she has it.  If she does, I will likely go get tested myself.  I have no idea what I will do if I test positive, but at least I would know (I guess?).  At any rate, if she turns up positive it might effect the type of surgery post-chemo.  Her choices seem to be a "generous" lumpectomy (+ reconstruction), or a unilateral mastectomy (removing 1 breast + reconstruction).  That is all to be decided later.

All of this has led us to where we are now.  We try to stay away from the dark places that this can easily take us.  We focus on the 80% 5 year survival rate (which I feel is good!) and just do the best we can.  We will trust the doctors, but try not to blindly follow them, and ask plenty of questions if we aren't completely sold on something.  We've had an amazing outpouring of support (especially since the Facebook post) and honestly, it's overwhelming but in the best way possible.  So thank all of you that have prayed, offered kind or uplifting thoughts, offered to chat about your own experiences or experiences of loved ones, offering to help watch Millie and Chase so that I can be here, helping with or checking in on Grandmama, and it goes on and on.  This diagnosis has turned our world upside down, but the support has made the outlook a lot less grim.  Don't hesitate to send mom your favorite wig styles and most bizarre scarf creation.  We sure have had some laughs trying to design mom's "new look." 😉😉😉

Checking in: 1 year postpartum

So, Chase is 1 year old now and Millie will be 4 years old in about 8 short months.  I see moms post on Facebook all the time, "Where does the time go?"  You don't really understand this phrase until you see your children grow.  Facebook is great at reminding you of how far they've come in a year, with daily updates of happenings from 1 to however many years ago.  I first joined Facebook in 2004 (showing my age a bit), and it's quite humorous to see some of the "wall writings" from 13 years ago.  Yes, back when Facebook was first created, it wasn't called a "timeline"; it was a "wall."  And people could come and write on your "wall" while simultaneously erasing someone else's ode to you.  I know a lot of those things got lost as the code and look changed for FB, which is a shame.  I know there were some gems from my college days at NC State.

This is when I reflect on how thankful I am that camera phones were so terrible during college.  They had just become a thing, and they were still flip phones, at that.  We posted most of our pictures on the Wolf Web (that were mostly scanned, or downloaded from a CD).  Oh, memories.  I have truly digressed here with my postpartum check-in.

Anyway, so Chase is sleeping through the night now (this is new), and I am fully aware that it could be temporary, so I'm just enjoying the sleep while I can.  He is the opposite of Millie in about every way.  Millie started walking at 9 months, sleeping through the night at about 7 months (consistently, no turning back).  Chase just started to try to walk right around 11 months (New Years Day 2017, he finally took a string of steps[see video below]), and he's been toying with the idea of sleeping through the night since about 9 months.  But has digressed many times, usually because I dare tried to travel and stay somewhere else with them, or because he caught yet another cold and coughed all night.

Millie was great at entertaining herself at 1 year old.. she would find all kinds of ways to play with 1 thing.  And she didn't really bother anything if I told her, "no."  I did have to chase her down off the stairs a couple times in the old house, but it's a race everyday to keep Chase off the back staircase.  And he thinks that is hilarious.  He is good at plundering through things to entertain himself (or throwing everything in the floor), and then he quickly gets bored or sees something Millie is doing and tries his best to interfere or do whatever she's doing.  The screaming starts at that point.  He is a squealer... I never had this with Millie.  He will throw himself down on the floor and pitch a fit at 1 year old.  ONE.  I can't wait til he turns 3, which is when Millie started her tantrums.  It is fascinating to see the differences.

[Millie walking, just after her 9 month birthday..]

I could rattle on all day about Millie and Chase.  I will probably try to start documenting more, other than the cute quotes I put on Facebook, when Millie talks like she's 17.  But really, I need to talk about MY year.  The past 12 months have been hard.  Not because of anything dire, but because trying to identify yourself while taking care of your [somewhat new or transforming] family is one of the toughest things to navigate.  Hormones are no joke.  And the things that happen to your body from conception through your child's 1 year birthday or whenever you decide to finally wean your child from depending on your body (literally) is an emotional rollercoaster.  And not like "Weeee, this is FUN!"... but like "Weee, I feel like I fell off the roller coaster and it has run over me and everyone is puking and peeing and pooping everywhere, on top of it all."  

This is the face of motherhood.  There are the best memories you could possibly dream of, like a beautiful nap with your baby on your chest, practically trying to burrow inside you again because they just want to be close.  And then there are countless nights where you cannot figure out why they are crying, and honestly - I really don't think they know either. They are just unsettled and they just have to cry.  Because there were nights that I stumbled to their room out of my slumber, and changed a dry diaper, tried desperately to nurse, or rock a child that just keeps crying.  Helpless isn't the term to describe when you feel like you are failing.  Not failing as a whole, but in that moment, you are failing to soothe your child.  And it's miserable.  Beyond miserable.  You are tired, they are bound to be exhausted, and you just want them to be happy, or at the very least -- content.  I feel like trying to make them happy at every turn once they reach the toddler age is going to set them up for disappointment, so I've stopped trying to bend over backwards to make sure they are blissful at every opportunity.  Sometimes, they will be bored and will just have to settle for a puzzle, or for coloring on their own, or for pretend playing while I *gasp* go to the bathroom.  

Trying to get through this last year was exhausting and amazing.  My only job currently is to be a mother and a wife, so I struggled, and still struggle, with my identity and value, not bringing in a paycheck or contributing financially.  And often times, I felt and feel like I'm not contributing emotionally either.  I was so tired this year that I felt like I was just going through the motions.  There were times that I snapped out of it and tried to capture or appreciate certain milestones or events or moments (and most of you bore witness to those times, because I would share on FB or IG).  But sometimes, I think I was doing that to kind of just bring my head above water and wave to y'all, to say "Hi - I'm still here... I haven't drowned yet."  Craig would see the signs when he was here, and would typically step in and give me a break, so I could reset for a couple hours, whether that just be a joyride to the grocery store, or dinner with a friend.  So I would remove the cartridge, blow the dust out, and reinsert myself back into the system to give it another go.

Once I was pregnant with Chase, and the closer I got to having him, I started realizing that I was depressed after I had Millie.  It wasn't bad, but I had some awful feelings about myself during her first 6 months of life.  It took watching other moms with their newborns to see the signs.  She was tough.  She had colic, or looking back, maybe she was just hungry with reflux, on top of it.  I breastfed her and my supply was low.  She had a terrible latch (probably due to frustration and hunger) and I ended up only bottle feeding BM for the last 5-6 months of her first year.  But by the time I had switched to a only a bottle, I think my supply couldn't be helped with a pump so I continued feeding her what was probably not enough.  She started to come out of her funk once I started her on solids, and she ate like I had starved her.  It was a joke back then, but maybe I did.  The doctor always chalked up her low weight to mine and Craig's small size, which makes sense.  No one really knows I suppose, but regardless, it didn't help my already crazy hormones and the feeling like I was failing my child.  But I never spoke of it.

It's interesting though - you feel like you're failing a child that only wants you.  It's ironic how you can convince yourself that you're doing everything wrong, but they don't care.  It was quite some time before she would happily go to Craig, and even longer before she would go to anyone else.  She would cry if anyone else even looked at her, other than me.  And that's not exaggerating!  Now, she is the most social little "leader".  She thrives in her little 3 day, 1/2 day preschool setting and she rarely gets a bad report when I pick her up.  I never would've guessed that in my lowest of days during her first 6 months, that there would be such a dramatic turn around.  And she happily tells me "bye" anytime she goes anywhere without me.  Bittersweet, but I'm so glad that she's mostly happy with very little effort.

And Chase.  Oh, Chase.  I thought you were going to be my "easy baby" after my battle with baby Millie.  And he was pretty easy the first 2-3 months, but I could tell that things would soon turn and he wasn't going to continue being "easy."  Craig started traveling for work again when Chase was 5 weeks.  That's code for "too soon."  The resentment came fast and furious.  Yes, he was out dealing with the stress of a job, which I am beyond grateful that he does -- because without him doing that, I wouldn't have the chance to stay home to see my babies grow, and get to see all of their "firsts."   But those are logical thoughts... the thoughts I was having were sleep deprived and hormonal.  I was home in the trenches with no break.  All I could think was, "He gets to go to a hotel, and sleep without fear of ANY interruption, and he gets to eat alone with his thoughts, or with adults that didn't need to be fed by you, or coerced to eat their veggies."  I was actively drowning and I felt like I had lost my voice.  I didn't know how to talk about this and I didn't know how to articulate my feelings, other than being secretly angry.  Although, admittedly it stopped being a secret once I would hit my breaking point.  Poor Craig.  I hit my breaking point several times and each time, it got easier because he knew what I needed after the first time.

I love my children beyond anything I could ever imagine, but trying to be the best you can be didn't feel good at all when you are mostly alone and having to do it all while your partner is gone.  I still don't think Craig has ever successfully soothed Chase in the middle of the night (and that is by no means a shot at him - it's just a fact, and it is not his fault).  It has just always had to be me (mostly due to him simply wanting to eat/nurse until he fell back asleep.)  I got up one morning and it's unusual for Chase to cry at the "wake up" time - he's generally pretty happy.  But Craig had got him up and he wouldn't settle after changing his diaper and whatnot.  So of course, I can only handle it for so long and I go upstairs and I playfully go to Chase and say "What's wrong, bubba??"  And Craig decides to speak for him and says, "Daddy doesn't have any boobies."  If Chase could talk, he'd probably tell you that's a true story.

It was easy enough to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night when I had to, I suppose, but when you do this EVERY night for a year (as it turns out) - wow, what a job!  I wanted to formula feed SO bad just to relieve myself for sleep purposes, but I feared he wouldn't like the formula, or it wouldn't agree with him and it would just get worse.  So I would power through and count down the months, then weeks,  then days until he hit his 1 year milestone.  And here we are.  Y'all.  I am so sad about weaning.  I'm almost completely dried up and it is depressing.  I never dreamed I would be this sad about it.  Millie's breastfeeding journey wasn't good from the start so I didn't experience this with her.  Chase never had much difficulty eating so it was smooth sailing for that aspect.  He's not a cuddle bug anymore so it's the only time he lets me hold him and rock him.  How do I let that go?!  He truly could not care less about it (other than the eating part).  From what I can tell, he's not dying to be nursed by any stretch so that's not something I worry about.  It's just me being selfish about keeping my baby a baby.  I have noticed that he can tell the difference in breastmilk and whole milk.  He will chug a bottle of breastmilk, but if you give him a bottle of whole milk... nope.  He'll drink it eventually, off and on.  But not like the breastmilk.

It's so hard to decipher if this means that I truly want another baby, or if I'm just a sucker for babies in general.  Craig has made it no secret that he is ready to go make it permanent with Millie and Chase, if I give him the green light.  I am not okay with that.  The thought and finality of that decision moves me to tears.  But could I handle another?  I seriously almost lost my *ish* with Chase -- would I be committed to a nervous hospital the next time?  To give you an an idea of where we are and how different we are on this subject -- Craig and I went to a school event for Millie and I was talking to another mom.  She told us that the Lord spoke to her about having her 3rd and she just knew it was right.  I looked up at Craig as if to say, "See... 3.  God said so."  I was half joking (sort of).  And without skipping a beat and before I could say anything, Craig says, "The Lord already spoke to me.  Two."  I think we are lost somewhere in translation of God's word.  

But to summarize this hodgepodge of thoughts, Chase is 1 and I am through another postpartum first year.  I am not positive where things go from here, but I am intrigued.  On days that I'm tired and I'm on my last shred of patience, I think, "Ok, 2 it is."  But on days when naps are smooth and meltdowns are minimal, I get itchy with the thought of another.   Craig is 40 and I think that sticks out to him the most.  Although, he is in the BEST shape of his life (jerk).  In all seriousness, I'm proud of him.  He's really worked hard to get where he is physically, and he's worked even harder to find balance with it all and to help not to jeopardize my mental state while doing it.  I'm pretty sure this universal quote says it best, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  Cheers to all the mamas out there - I know you don't see it, but you'd be surprised at the number of people that see a cape on your back.  It's the hardest job you'll ever have, so don't be too hard on yourself on the bad days.  We all have them.  And chances are, they're bound to get better.  At least that's what I try to tell myself as I hide in the pantry, eating snacks that I don't want to share!

Here are the babes at Chase's 1st birthday.  He's saying "Give me ALLLL the cake!"