Hind Sight

"You can tell the true character of someone by the way they treat a person who can do absolutely nothing for them.."

This quote prompted this post. I've had a fairly eventful week, with an unfortunate incident. One that unfortunately showed the true character of someone that I followed behind for nearly a year and a half, and up until that incident, had some respect for. Laziness is a terrible thing, as is the attitude that you're above certain things, despite whatever the task may be. Another unfortunate thing is treating a person a certain way, only because they stand to potentially gain something from that person. What a terrible way to be. But, if nothing else, this whole incident has taught me to take no one for granted, and to try to do more for others that not only may need it, but who appreciate it.

As I reflect back on the last few months, I've spent several looking back a little too often, pondering what I could have done different to change the outcome of some situations. But that's not important. What's important is to keep up with the people who are still there, despite what's happened along the way, and who can accept the fact that things just happen as a result of difference of opinion or that maybe... just maybe... they knew you had good intentions all along. The people that matter are the people that recognize the person that you are and that intentions were honorable. And I have plenty of those people in my life and I hope to not look back and wish I had done more, because this was the year that I attempted to really put effort in, in several areas of my life, only to be disappointed that it played out so differently in real life than in my mind.

But, on a more positive note, I feel like I have done more this year for those that appreciate it and deserve it. Maybe "deserve" isn't the best word here because we're talking about friendship.. and everyone deserves friendship. But grudges are for teenagers who don't realize the true value in a friend, and don't yet realize that friends are more than shopping buddies, or someone who wears the same kind of clothes as you, or shares all of your classes. Clearly, I'm not teenager because I'm 25 years old. But I do realize I have several friends that I know I could count on regardless, and of course - the same goes for them. I realize that having friends where you're worried about how they perceive your actions all the time, isn't a friendship worth having. I'm confident that if any of my friends, past or present, reached out to me that I would be there if they needed me. But I'm sad to say that I don't feel like I could do the same, not with all of them at least. But, as Bill Cosby says:

"I don't know the key to success, but I know the key to failure is trying to please everyone.."

The Competitive Bone is Connected to the...?

I'm too competitive for my own good. There. I said it. And it just so happens that the college team (my alma mater) I support happens to be less than average at the moment in my ALL of my favorite sports: football, basketball, and baseball. Every year before the seasons start, I'm all hyped up because we have these hot recruits coming in and/or our star players are going to be.. well.. star players. And then the season starts. And disappointment has almost always ensued.

But it's not just NC State... I play fantasy football as well, and I get soooo into those leagues too. Eventually, if I just see that I'm going to suck, I accept it... but when I'm doing well and there is a chance I can kick some booty... I get SO fired up when I lose. It doesn't last long and I get over it pretty easily when I'm not taunted. But that doesn't always go my way.

I don't know when the "it's just a game" was lost. I was competitive when I played softball in high school, and I would get upset when we lost, but it was the understandable kind of upset. But we were also good too, so I guess that plays a part. Of course it's easier when you win most of the time. :)

So anyway, this season NC State sucks at football, and we stand to actually (maybe) be better in basketball this year than football.. which right now we're slated to finish last. So.. you can see that "better" is barely marginal here. But.. we always have to hope that things will look up at some point. Right?? Right! And on the up side - go Chargers, Yankees, and May's Anatomy (fantasy football) who haven't sucked this year!!) Packies... we'll get it together one day and the other ACC teams will finally give us some respect. Until then.. can someone please remove this stupid competitive bone.. I think mine has mutated.

The Grass Wasn't Greener..

It's been a while since I last posted, and my, how things have changed! I can finally close the chapter called "less than happy". I took a job in June of 2008 at a transportation software company, which really was the best move I could've made. It really put a lot of things into perspective. Strangely.. in a very positive way.

I left my current job at the time, which was with Horizon Forest Products. I wouldn't say that I was the happiest, but looking back, it was my first job out of college. It's hard to say what happy really is when you have nothing to compare it to. I did know that I loved the people I worked with and I know that that's often hard to find in itself. I cried my eyes out the day I left, but I really felt like I was making a positive change with a substantial pay raise (hey, college = bills to pay).

So I started working for this transportation software company, working as the Client Support Manager, or so I thought. I later learned that was one of many titles in this very small start-up company of around 20-30 people. I know our team of implementers all had different titles, but we all pretty much did the same thing. So, really.. "Client Support Manager" didn't really mean that. It meant "you'll watch the Support Queue and whatever else that comes up". Which is okay.. I'm a great multi-tasker and I like a challenge. But, things progressively got worse. In a not-very-structured company, it's incredibly easy to lose focus and feel lost when it comes to direction. Especially when your resources are limited. And they were.

I'm not writing this to bad-mouth this company, because I do feel that I was able to learn and grow by working there for the past 1.5 years, and they really have a monster of a product. But, I reached a point at that establishment where I felt I was no longer able to be as productive and I was incredibly stressed, and oddly feeling pressured. It pretty much pushed me to a point where I felt like I just couldn't care anymore about certain things pertaining to my job because it was really going to drive me to complete insanity. And to me, that's a problem. My primary job deals with my clients and I'm convincing myself not to care about them or their issues that they're trusting me to fix or help resolve?? How am I supposed to be productive in that environment? It's just impossible, and it's even more impossible to suggest that I would be able to just not care. It's not in my blood. Not only that.. I begin reflecting on myself and where I spend 40 hours a week, week in and week out. I wasn't happy. It had to change.

Anyway, long story short - this move taught me that my search for greener pastures led me to a green pasture, which eventually turned to a desert and left me feeling unsettled and just thirsty for more... the money isn't always worth it, and your title doesn't mean squat.. (oh, and be careful when working along side close friends.. it's fun sometimes, but it can cause you unforeseeable stress that seems to really be unavoidable - luckily I can now see the stress on the friendships stemmed from the job and not the friends). I think it was necessary to take that leap to figure it out.. all of it, because I was offered a different job with my former company, Horizon, and I really feel like it's the best decision I've made in a long time. For my career, as well as quality of life (money aside). I know the people I'll be returning to work with, I respect them, and I know it's a solid and structured organization (emphasis here - Organization: derived from "organized", meaning well thought out and put together). And it's because of all these revelations that I really feel like I've maybe fallen back slightly.. but back to the arms of grace. And now "less than happy", has taken a turn for more. Potentially much more. :)