A Trip Down Memory Lane

February is normally a pretty good month for me. Birthday month, Valentine's Day (iffy some years, but I still would get candy and cards from my parents regardless for many years).. and there used to be a holiday in there when I was in school, but not many employers honor President's Day anymore (another reason why I wish I was still in school at times). Anyway.. this past February wasn't anything like I had experienced in the 25 years leading up to it.

On February 13th, my uncle passed away unexpectedly leaving some of the people I love the very most absolutely devastated. My grandmother and grandfather lost their only son and mama lost her baby brother, after just 47 years of life. The first of those two, I can't even fathom because I have no children yet, but I can only begin thinking about what it would feel like if I ever lost any of my brothers and it immediately moves me to tears. Over the years and for various reasons, Brian (my uncle) had become sick with Hepatitis and progressively got worse. While he was sick, no one expected him to leave us so quickly (doctors included). So again, devastation set in for many in my family. We ended up having his funeral service on February 17th, which was my birthday. So that will be a birthday that will be remembered for all the reasons you wish that it wasn't. But.. that's the way it goes sometimes. And several months later, there were still a lot of decisions to be made that no one was totally ready for. But then again, when are you really ready for something like that?

So, one of the main reasons I wanted to write about all this was really to bring light to the happier days of my childhood. But I had to start with what I did, in order to end up here. So yesterday, one of my brothers (Jeremy) and I had to make a trip to Watha, NC (yes, Watha.. not even a stoplight) in order to move some of the furniture out of the house where my uncle had been living. He was actually living in the house built (partially) by my great-grandfather. The same house we used to come to on Sundays and eat an absolute FEAST because Nanny didn't exactly support portion control. So much food.. and always macaroni and cheese on the table for me :) There was no way I was going to eat those "alligators" (okra), or those "trees" (broccoli). But before we dug into the macaroni and cheese and whatever else the others were eating (was there anything else?), was when I began the meal w/ the Lord's Prayer. However, no one told me until I was in.. oh.. say high school that I had been saying it wrong. I still get confused around one part, because I'm not sure which is right. Don't worry - I'm the same child that used to say the Pledge of Allegiance and would proudly recite "..And to the bucket for which it stands.." Yep, that was me. Hard to believe I was the Valedictorian that very same year in kindergarden. I kid you not.

My great-grandfather's barn where he kept his tractors and other equipment. Also where my brother often kept this stupid rubber snake that he terrorized me with.

Anyway, Nanny was the same lovely woman that whenever I came to stay with them, she let me eat whatever I wanted. Cool whip, cereal, jello, whatever and whenever. She always asked me about my tape worm (I didn't really understand that until later - for a while, I thought she was hoarding a pet worm). The same lovely woman who, when my mom was growing up and staying there, Nanny would bring in a bucket of dirt and dump it in the living room floor for mom to play with (clearly the times have changed a bit). There's just so much I remember. My great-grandfather (Popo) was the sweetest man in the world, with an even sweeter tooth. The same man who would see my CDs laying around on their kitchen table as I listened to my music and he'd ask how much they were. And then reply "Greaaat land!" He also found it fascinating to take his false teeth out and watch me squirm in disbelief/disgust/terror (in my defense, I was probably around 5 or 6 when he started doing this - maybe younger). Nanny would read me this book about zoo animals every single time I came to visit. And Popo would scrape the cheese and breadcrumbs off mom's broccoli casserole. It just goes on and on. And I couldn't help but relive some of those moments as I walked through that house again and moved out some of their furniture that is now mine.. which were among the many decisions to be made about what was left behind. Besides the memories and the scattered pictures, it's all I have.. and I'm so happy to have every piece.

Where the chicken house used to be, straight ahead. The tree to the left had a little stoop where Nanny would leave scraps for the stray cats after supper every night.

Another fun fact.. we used to play in that tree as well.. at one point, we (really meaning my environmental engineer brother - of course) had a bicycle hanging from one of the limbs, like a swing. (Envision something similar to ET here)

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RIP William "Cedrice", Grace, and Brian

So.. hi.

Ok, well.. you happen to be reading my very first blog. I'm sure you're incredibly honored (having sarcasm font here would be really awesome), but honestly.. I'm the type of person that will probably get a month down the road, read this post, and delete it because I think it sounds stupid. So... this might actually end up being my first deleted blog. I hope this doesn't ruin your experience here though.. don't be discouraged. I'm really not that boring. Am I rambling? Yes. Ok. This is why I hate leaving voicemails.. I will talk and talk, and usually repeat myself (i.e. - "Hey it's Haley.. just calling because I needed to remind you of this, and I was out and thought of it. So this is your reminder of this because such and such made me think of it.."), forget I'm not really talking to anyone, then realize it, and end the voicemail about as awkwardly ("ah, kbye") as it started. So feel priviledged if you receive a voicemail from me because they're rare.. and then please delete it. :)

..I'm rambling again.

But, to summarize for this moment in my life because after that rant, I'm sure you're like "what is she on?" - I'm actually in a really good place. Sometimes I can't help but think about how crazy it is with how things panned out so far, and I'm even more surprised about the people who have surprised me. We've all experienced some "lessons" and things have happened that have led us where we are, but really.. I'm so lucky. I used to be so down on myself and my life and I didn't enjoy things as much as I should've because I was focused on the wrong things. I'm so glad I've been able to bring the good stuff back into focus. I'm incredibly grateful for the people who have come and gone, and I've learned a lot from each of them. So every time I feel myself getting a little sad because things are so different than they once were, I just remember that it led me here and that I was lucky to have had those experiences to start with. I don't regret anything from the past... everything had its place and served its purpose. I just hope those involved are as understanding of it as I am. But that's all you can do I guess. One of my favorite movie quotes:

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what mama always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."
[Hope Floats]

Wow - is this too deep for the first encounter? It's not often that I'm like "Hi, I'm Haley and this is how I interpret the happenings in my life." But I really do have these thoughts.. often lately. I think it will be a good therapy to actually "vent" them.. and I don't think that I'm that far off or that no one will relate. So.. maybe it will be an epiphany to some who just haven't realized it yet. I'm rambling again. Oh, and I'm really horrible at goodbyes.. incredibly awkward for me. I'm that person that is told to "enjoy your meal" or to "have a nice flight".. and I reply with "you too!" Yeah.. as if they get to participate as well. So then I feel like a jerk.. and then I go to correct it and by then, it's just a moot point because they're already off thinking "Man, I'm hungry" or "Well, a vacation would be nice.."

Hmph. Kbye.